Bloody rocket scientist hooligan bastards

NASA smashes a rocket into the Moon and it’s a groundbreaking scientific experiment, but when I asked them if I could crash a Mini Metro into Mars they were all “Oh no, that would be a serious waste of our time”. If they turn around in six months and say they’re going to fly a bus into Jupiter I’m going to be fucking furious.

However, I won’t mind if they fly a submarine into Uranus. Snigger.

That David Cameron speech in full

“I’m not a toff, I’m the people’s pipsqueak, I’m blah blah waffles rah rah we’re going to smash the oiks. Chips. Look at my hair, my lovely lovely hair and my clammy pink skin. Bicycle. A Waitrose in every home. I call a brunch a brunch. Sun dried tomatoes. Tax. Education. Remember the hair. Oust. A bad thing happened, vote for me. Applaud my lovely wife who recently completed her horse change operation. Lame joke. Naughty Labour. I’m not gay. Now if you’ll excuse me, grease guzzlers, it’s Pimm’s O’fucking clock.”

Helpful tip

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Hazel Blears and the No Claims Bonus of Despair

“For me the words ’slash’ and ‘rubber’ have entirely different meanings,” I explained to the cop as he surveyed the destroyed tyres of my Citroen Xsara Picasso. “Know what I mean?”

The cop looked unimpressed and stared at my headlamps. “I’m afraid the chances of finding who did this to your car are slim to none,” he said bluntly. “But you’re a private investigator, maybe you should put your headlamps away, find the perpetrators of this heinous crime and bring them to justice.”

I reluctantly zipped up my leather catsuit and covered up my voluptuous 32A headlamps, then set about examining the area of interest. “Hey! Stop touching me there,” the cop said and scurried off.

My car was a mess. The damage to the windscreen had taken out my limited edition “If this Picasso is rockin’, don’t bother knockin’ because I’m having sex” car sticker, and somebody had written ‘BITCH’ across the bonnet, though I was pretty sure that hadn’t been there before the cop arrived. Not that I needed him, or his tight uniform. I already knew who was responsible: sailors. Once again I was going to have to go down to the bar at the docks and pound them until they gave me what I needed.

I took a cab to the docks and tried to pay the driver with the contents of my pocket. He declined and demanded money instead. I entered the bar that had become so familiar to me over the years and watched 20 drunken sailors attempt to slink away like sexy, sexy rats as they noticed my entrance.

“Come on now boys,” I said, “Don’t go for the back door just yet. There are vital things I need to extract from you first.”

I saw the barman approach. “Hey Blears, we don’t need any trouble. If you cause any more bruised bones around here I’m gonna have to close down.”

I stood on a chair and looked him in the groin. “I can’t help that this place is a magnet for the kind of guy that likes to try and shaft me,” I said. I gave him some money. “Have whatever these boys are having, or just buy yourself a drink.”

I turned and addressed the patrons. “I need to know which of you rats trashed my Citroen Xsara Picasso,” I said. “I’m offering the usual reward, as long as you’ve had the antibiotics.”

“You’re the big dick,” cried a voice from the back, “You figure it out.”

I pulled out my whip and got serious. “I could pick a cocktail sausage from between two tinned tomatoes at 50 paces with this,” I said. “Now you start talking or you’ll be on vegetarian breakfasts for the rest of your life.”

“You’re all mouth and no trousers, Blears,” a sailor near me said. “That’s why we wouldn’t damage your precious car. You wanna know who did it, maybe you’d better go ask… Le Merde.”

I gasped. Then moaned, then went weak at the knees, then lit a cigarette. “Le… Le Merde? But he’s dead! I finished him off six months ago when I resigned from his cabinet!”

“That’s what you think, Blears,” the barman growled. “You only wounded him. He’s still alive, and he wants you severely inconvenienced.”

“That’s right, Hazel,” said a familiar Scottish voice behind me. “I thought I’d find you here, where you always do your gruntwork.”

“Le Merde!” I gasped, gasping, moaning, and lighting another cigarette. “What do you want?”

“I just came to tell you we’re even now, Hazel. You trashed my reputation, I trashed your beloved Citroen Xsara Picasso. An eye for an eye, you might say.”

With that, he left. I sat down, stunned. A sailor, sensing what I needed, whipped out his prized possession. I grabbed it firmly in my hand and dialled my insurance company.

THE END

Ex-minister Blears’ car attacked

Modern sayings

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man an elephant and he’ll be all like LOL WTF dude give me a fish.

God: “Peace out, chimps”

Dr Rowan Williams, the mad-faced Archbishop of Canterbury, is great. Not only have his recent blatherings prompted the fnarrtastic BBC News headline God ‘will not give happy ending’, but his remarks could easily be interpreted by the sane as an admission that, if you’re religious, you might as well stop wasting your time because it’s all an elaborate fairytale and God will not intervene to stop humanity from destroying itself. Nor will He wank off the faithful for money, because he runs a legit massage business and He’ll have none of that funny stuff.

Government Advisory

The following have been declared enemies of funny by the Ministry of I’m Right and You’re Wrong:

• Ricky Gervais
• Jonathan Ross
• Those two off Gavin and Stacey
• Russell Brand
• David Walliams
• Jimmy “The Joke Killer” Carr
• Lee Evans
• Anyone who’s written for Not Going Out.

Old joke, new joke

Old joke:
What’s got a hazelnut in every bite? Squirrel shit.

New joke:
What’s got a Hazel Blears in every bite? Bull shit.

Twitter twat

You can read more of this pointless shite by following along on Twitter @ncguk. If you don’t know what any of that means, count yourself fucking lucky and go outside instead.

Prince Charles’s friend speaks out

“Personally, I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”