Britain’s gone stabbing mad!

Yes, there’s a new craze sweeping the nation, and anyone can join in - simply get yourself to the nearest kitchen, arm yourself with a knife, and go apeshit stab mad crazy! Stabmaster G of Essex: “It’s good to stab people innit cos I go ‘uh’ ‘uh’ ‘uh’ and they’s dead like and then they respeks me, cos it’s all about da respek yeh. I didn respek that mofo now e is bin taught a arsh lesson. And dat.”

You don’t even need a good reason to go stabby — if someone bumps into you in the chip shop, asks you to stop pouring petrol through their letterbox, or disses your fine bitch, then it’s stabbin’ time! Even Boris Johnson is doing it: “Well, ah um yah I got into an argument with some chap about zoning and he was well you know getting quite heated so and I realise now I should have maybe argued rationally but I shivved him in the ah jugular and kicked his um head in.”

So, if you haven’t joined in Britain’s most exciting new way to murder, get yourself tooled up and hit the streets! Everyone’s a potential victim! Teenagers, pensioners, middle-aged family men, or people who have bit parts in films or relatives in soap operas! Remember, even girls can do it, and the press loves it! We’re just soft fleshy bags of meat, so why not take the plunge?!

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