Modern sayings

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man an elephant and he’ll be all like LOL WTF dude give me a fish.

God: “Peace out, chimps”

Dr Rowan Williams, the mad-faced Archbishop of Canterbury, is great. Not only have his recent blatherings prompted the fnarrtastic BBC News headline God ‘will not give happy ending’, but his remarks could easily be interpreted by the sane as an admission that, if you’re religious, you might as well stop wasting your time because it’s all an elaborate fairytale and God will not intervene to stop humanity from destroying itself. Nor will He wank off the faithful for money, because he runs a legit massage business and He’ll have none of that funny stuff.

Government Advisory

The following have been declared enemies of funny by the Ministry of I’m Right and You’re Wrong:

• Ricky Gervais
• Jonathan Ross
• Those two off Gavin and Stacey
• Russell Brand
• David Walliams
• Jimmy “The Joke Killer” Carr
• Lee Evans
• Anyone who’s written for Not Going Out.

Old joke, new joke

Old joke:
What’s got a hazelnut in every bite? Squirrel shit.

New joke:
What’s got a Hazel Blears in every bite? Bull shit.

Twitter twat

You can read more of this pointless shite by following along on Twitter @ncguk. If you don’t know what any of that means, count yourself fucking lucky and go outside instead.

Prince Charles’s friend speaks out

“Personally, I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

Christmas Day on ITV: five decades of Bond films

Quantum Of Sausage (2008)
James Bond travels to France in search of a radioactive sausage believed to contain a stolen painting of the Fallen Madonna with the big boobies, with villainous organisation S.A.U.C.E. in hot pursuit.
James Bond……………..Daniel Knickerdampener
Sienna Norks……………Heliotrope Ginrag
Limpet Legspread………..Jill Cleavage
Bertram Honktwaddle……..John Cleese
Dr Frodsham Guestbook……Ernest Clowntrouser
René Artois…………….Gordon Kaye
Director: Tamagotchi Shootibang

Wonkyeye (1997)
James Bond flies to Fiji, Australia, Norway, Poland, Las Vegas, Jamaica, Argentina and Bristol in search of a consignment of stolen space lasers, believed to be in the hands of villainous organisation S.A.U.C.E., and its cross-eyed leader Professor Lepidopterist Monksneeze.
James Bond………………………..Piss Brasstan
Lacey Openthigh……………………Lucy Swallows
Professor Lepidopterist Monksneeze…..Eddie Izzard
Eelpie Digidong……………………Derek Fruitshorts
Director: Vin de Pays

Squidtits (1986)
Fifty nuclear warheads are stolen from a submarine and James Bond must knock a slice off the villainous supermodel known only as Squidtits and her army of hairspray kung-fu nymphomaniacs in order to recover the weapons from her exploding underwater headquarters.
James Bond……………..Roger Bonksmore
Squidtits………………Effie Bendover
Juicy Flange……………Mindy Clamdangler
Dr Ninnynannynoo………..Reginald Tripswitch
Glacksmear Moosewang…….Quentin Sweatgland
Director: Tomothy Shatnorks

The Man With The Golden Shower (1978)
The world’s leading plumbers are going missing and it’s up to James Bond to locate them and put a stop powerful businessman Dickwizard Fortinbrass, whose evil plan is to convert his mountain-top lair into a luxury holiday resort with solid gold en suite bathrooms.
James Bond……………..Roger Bonksmore
Clitty Squealer…………Fannie Funbags
Flimsy Knickerdrop………Christina Kitoff
Dickwizard Fortinbrass…..Hedge Clumpfork
Flaw…………………..Brick Outhouse
Director: Hootie Branwazzock

Diamonds Are Expensive (1965)
When his local branch of H Samuel is robbed, James Bond is framed for the crime and abandoned by his Secret Service paymasters. Alone and out for revenge, Bond hunts down the man who framed him, bankrupt Blackpool Mayor J. Madface Clogshimmy, and uncovers a plot to destroy the Eiffel Tower with a laser powered by cubic zirconia.
James Bond…………….Sean Shcotshman
Labiana Nipsout…………Jizzy Bristols
J. Madface Clogshimmy…..Rod Steiger
Desperado Bumhop……….Swindon Nudger
Mr. Piecemeal………….Hamfist Neckmuscle
Mr. Gristle……………Jim Weasel
Director: Punchclock Earbender

Signs of ageing number 137

Starting to like gammon.

I hate Britney Spears

I know she was a looney but that’s no reason for her to send me stark-staring loopy doo-dah weep-weep fucking arsecakes mental with that bastard “Womanizer” song.

The inside of my head currently looks like this:

“Womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer WOMANIZER, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer WOMANIZER.”

and has done for several days. And what’s really annoying is that she’s spelt it wrong, the cuckoo bint.

Lyrics to ‘Womanizer’ by Britney Spears

Womanizer (Repeat 704 times).