Those celebrity I’m a Celebrity… celebrities in full

It’s that time of the year again – the nights are drawing in, pensioners are dying of hypothermia and the heat death of the universe grows ever nearer, and top light entertainment miniatures Anton Dec and Declarative Antonym welcome the usual cavalcade of hollow trudging no-hopers to a short life of khaki and swallowing things:

Lee Pifflesquits
Former singer with semi-popular boy band Smooth Pipes, Lee left the band in 1998 following a News of the World story that linked him to an international grapefruit smuggling ring.

Dr Exogesic Slitquack
The controversial Austrian genealogist who claimed in his book You Are Not Who You Are to have evidence that Geri Halliwell was Adolf Hitler’s mother arrives in the jungle freshly disgraced by facts.

Busty Thunderjugs
Most famous for rendering conservative backbench MP Salamander Gracklespoon unconscious with the very notion of breasts, Busty has recently launched her own fragrance for which she blamed the dog.

Alf Larp
Coronation Street actor and serial cocaine and webcam abuser Alf has recently returned to work after the case against him collapsed, breaking his leg in three places.

Empathy LaGrange
Star of 2008’s surprise hit film The Vanishing Clavicle, Empathy has spent the last six years in Africa as U.N. Special Ambassador for clavicles, helping to raise clavicle awareness.

Shaz Parp
Fresh from highly successful scripted reality show Godalming Nights, Shaz hopes doing something fruity with a guava while in the jungle will make her the draught excluder of good fortune when opportunity knocks on the top half of the stable door of missed chances.

Bogle
TV weather chef Martin Bogle once cooked a sausage in a blizzard for the Queen and delights in bringing his surprising take on mid-17th century Peruvian cookery to the masses with his daily daytime cookery quiz show Gastrointerrogation!

If you haven’t seen the John Lewis Christmas advert…

Cher Lloyd sings an orchestral version of ‘Kinky Boots’ as we open on the faltering gait of a glum animated whelk with a limp who struggles to find work and feed his weeping family. On the verge of suicide, the whelk unexpectedly rediscovers the joy of Christmas when he is given an underwater mobility scooter by his best friend, a dignified octopus. The music swells and a tear forms in the whelk’s eye as the John Lewis logo fades in with the strapline “Cheer up you miserable bastards”. 7/10.

Drowning by wankers

BBC News: “The UK has said it will not support future search and rescue operations to prevent migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.”

International Business Times: “Britain will not support future EU search and rescue operations to help save migrants from drowning in the Mediterranean Sea as doing so only “encourages” others to seek refuge by crossing dangerous seas.”

The Age: “Baroness Anelay said the UK would not support a new program of search and rescue missions in the Mediterranean, saying they encouraged refugees to risk taking to sea.”

The Guardian: “The Home Office has defended its decision to end British support for search-and-rescue operations for migrants in danger of drowning in the Mediterranean, after criticism that it marked an ethical nadir for Britain.”

Now I’m not racist, but it seems to me that deliberately withdrawing support for an operation the sole purpose of which is to stop desperate, living, breathing human beings from drowning, abandoned, in a vast body of water because you think rescuing them from death encourages them to leave behind their homes, family, friends and possessions, and because you think killing people bureaucratically is somehow more acceptable than personally holding them underwater until they stop struggling, and being able somehow to find the will to defend that decision, is a little bit racist, and more or less exposes you as the sort of government that should be drowned wholesale in a bottomless barrel of cold salty piss by a group comprised of displaced individuals who have no idea of the hardships involved in signing a piece of paper that condemns hundreds of forlorn elected representatives to a watery grave.

Ednas up 2: the streets

“Oo Edna, what about that nice young singer eh he seemed like such a nice young man with his twinkly smile and his hips but wasn’t it funny how he never married and those glasses he wore and oo Edna he’s religious too and you know what they’re like but oo I do like that nice young song of his that he sang about congratulating a bus.”

Ednas: extreme edition

“Oo Edna have you seen how everyone’s an extremist nowadays my Bert said he’d been radicalised by my custard last night and then he flew to Syria and suicide-bombed a custard factory I mean no-one’s safe are they I heard Edna’s sister Edna’s brother’s aunt Edna went and shot 14 people in a museum because she thought it was a dangerous art movement of course I blame that nice Tony Blair now if you’ll excuse me Edna I’ve got to go and suicide bomb the post office.”

A good day to bury bad news

While the thieving antics of brass-necked money-hugger Maria Miller MP have dominated the news the government has used the story as cover to quietly announce that wasps will no longer be free at the point of delivery. This means that anyone who sees, interacts or engages with a wasp must pay a charge to one of the thousands of wasp enforcement officers who will be employed to weed out so-called “wasp scroungers”.

In the 19th century wasps were regarded as a luxury available only to the wealthy, but in 1904 Liberal MP Herbert Henry Asquith proposed a radical change in wasp policy that would make wasps available to all. “Wasps,” he said in a Commons speech on May the 6th of that year, “Are not just playthings for the well-off. Every man, woman and child in this country should have access to free wasps, whether they like it or not.”

It is estimated that the coalition government will make £34.5 million per year from the Wasp Tax, either in legitimate charges or in fines for non-payment. Non-payers could also face up to three months in prison.

To sign an online petition calling for the repeal of the Wasp Tax, sign the online petition at http://www.nobodygivesafuckingfuckaboutonlinepetitions.gov.uk/.