Split beaver

This weekend, thousands of middle-aged men will be dragging themselves out to the cinema to watch Basic Instinct 2: Pensioner Addiction in the hope of seeing Sharon Stone’s snatch. Frankly, the marketing wonks have missed an opportunity here, and could have shaved her battered twat and tattooed a Pizza Hut logo on it, creating valuable revenue for a film that’s really only good for testing the freeze frame facility on the family DVD player.

The plot is simple: instead of Stone’s character driving her Lamborghini very quickly around the streets of L.A., she has now moved to London and drives it very slowly up bus lanes and irritates taxi drivers, stopping only to murder people who take 9 items through the 8 items or less till at the supermarket. After one altercation too many, David Morrissey is assigned as her social worker and, when Sharon discovers what a nice young man he is, that’s when the hip-dislocating sexual shenanigans begin.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a very good film. But if you can quote the message tattooed on Sharon Stone’s frontispiece, you’ll get 10% off a mighty meaty.

U.S. moustache licensing programme begins

Systems analyst Tom Burton holds a copy of his mandatory moustache license as he speaks to reporters after leaving the offices of the newly created government Office of Facial Hair in Washington, D.C. March 31, 2006. The moustache licenses and the controversial beard identity cards have been introduced to prevent terrorists from disguising themselves and making themselves harder to identify during a terrorist attack.