Exclusive early draft of ‘I Predict A Riot’ by The Kaiser Chiefs

Watching the people get lairy
Is not very pretty they’re hairy
Walking through town is quite scary
I’d rather be sat in a chairy
A friend of a friend he is wary
He looked the wrong way at Tony Blairy
He used words that are quite sweary
Would never have happened to Mary
Or comedy actor Jim Carrey
My favourite poker hand is a pairy
I think Tom Cruise is a fairy
And that nice Julian Clary
I bought a pint of milk and a loaf from the dairy
My favourite bread’s tear and sharey
I just cleaned the toilet I don’t dare wee
La-ah-ah, la la lalala la
Ah-ah-ah, la la lalala la

I predict a riot, I predict a riot
I predict a riot, I predict a riot

Three words or phrases that will be banned come the revolution

1. Ticking all the right boxes
2. Face time
3. Brangelina

Bush commends Blair’s ability

“I’m telling you fellas: since this guy came to power my ass has never been cleaner.”

God has a wee on the Pope

“At least he isn’t having a shit.”

Success through incest

It seems a good way to drive traffic to your site is to use the words ‘poo’ and ‘incest’. This site has gone from having 2 readers to 7 in less than 72 hours. Breathtaking.

Denise Richards, naked!

Charlie Sheen has seen Denise Richards naked. Does that seem fair to you?

The way test messages should be

George Best is wearing a vest on his chest and pressing Jo Guest’s breast at her behest while brushing his teeth with Crest remembering the time he messed with a wasps’ nest in jest before taking a rest on his quest to go west and be a pest to lemon zest.

Test.

The Janet Street-Porter incest poem

Janet Street-Porter,
Had sex with her daughter,
The way her mother had taught her,
Before the police caught ‘er.

Thank you very much.

An exciting event in the office

The old office water cooler has just been replaced with a shiny new one that will dispense cold and, brace yourselves for this, HOT water. Cue an afternoon of shiny-arsed clerks coming in to use it and going, “Ooo, you’ve had a new water cooler.” Well fucking spotted, you romping great mongs.

Everything’s lovely in all its lovely gloriousness

Only joking, of course it fucking isn’t. It’s a miserable, pissing down, dark, dull, Monday morning marking the start of another soul-destroying, mind-numbing week on auto-pilot pissing out meaningless work for vapid buzzword-spewing morons in a cold, clinically lit building and being paid pathetic amounts of money for the privilege. Roll on death.