Pope imparts an important lesson

“Hey assholes, this is my copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, so hands off.”

Spark during oral leads to Bush tragedy

“Brisket: that’s what you want — none of that sirloin shit. Brisket lets you really taste the animal. Anyone who puts sirloin on a barbeque is a goddam pansy in my book, not that I’ve ever read a book, oh no — I’m not going to trick me into alienating the illiterate demographic. You know, talking of aliens, I’d really love to barbeque me one of them ET space suckers and see what they taste like. I don’t usually eat foreign food, but if those guys taste like brisket, I’ll take the hit in the polls. Say, you down there, you got a purty mouth. Say, Dick, where do we stand with the brisket-eating purty mouth demographic?”

U.S. cardinals much hipper than normal cardinals

“God is dawg spelt backwards, mofo.”

Jim Davidson spotted arriving to entertain UK troops

“Got ‘im, Sarge!”

On trying to contact Satan

“Hello, can I speak to Satan please?”
“I’m afraid he’s in a Health and Safety admin meeting at the moment. Can I take a message?”

The same thing happened when I tried to contact The Four Administration Assistants of the Apocalypse. Conspiracy?

Top-down brainstorming

Someone has just come into the office and actually used the phrase, “joined-up thinking”. I have killed them.

Nicole Kidman’s hen night ends badly

“I’m getting married in half an hour!”

Firefighter training not as intensive as it used to be

“Is that it?”

You poor pastry eating bastard

A bloke in the office has been banging on about the poor quality of the pastry he had in a meal yesterday, for the past 10 minutes. Congratulations, you officially had the worst meal anyone has ever had in the whole history of mankind. I’m sure a cheque for compensation will be forthcoming for the distress caused.

Microsoft Word: one of a kind

I mean, what other application would have the audacity to taunt a user, upon deleting a section break at the end of a document, by spontaneously inserting another section break in the middle of the document for no reason and then, upon deleting that new section break, changing the page borders of the whole document, entirely by itself, thereby destroying all the formatting?

Whoever is responsible for this infuriating word processing turd of a programme needs to be tied up with razor wire and pulled backwards through a broken glass and rhinoceros shop until he or she understands the physical pain their wilfully contrary creation causes. Motherfucker.