England was celebrating last night following their decisive World Cup victory over the legendary purveyors of liquid football, the Federated States of Micronesia. Widely perceived as the most dangerous team England will face until their next game, Micronesia tried every trick in their book of footballing prowess to penetrate the England defence, but our plucky lads were having none of it, in return landing shot after unstoppable on-target shot to drive them to their devastating 1-0 win.
“We’re sending a message to every country in the world,” said coach Sven-Goran Eriksson following the final whistle, a whistle that must have sounded like a death knell for the practiced professionals of Micronesia, “And that message is, we’re above average, and we probably can’t be stopped.”
Micronesia’s team captain, a full-time spot welder from Yap, had no choice but to bow to England’s superiority. “Wayne Rooney’s salary is equal to the gross national output of my country,” he said at a press conference after the match. “We stood no chance.”
