That Mel Gibson apology in full

“Ya fazzenbazzer, you’re my best mate, you are. Did you spill my pint, ya fazzer? Are ya looking at my girlfriend? Are ya? I’ll put yer in the ‘ospital, ya bazzer. Ya bazzer. Yer’ll be taken yer teeth home in a bag, ya bazzer. I only ever wanted to be Riggs, y’know? sniff. Ah, faz it, ya fazzenbazzer, I’m sorry I shouted at ya.”

Israeli Defence Minister tries his luck with Rice

“Oh, Mr Peretz, you are a cheeky one but, no, I would not like your powerful missile aimed at my delicate negotiation.”

Web links to be phased out, replaced with links to YouTube

The W3C, the organisation responsible for technical standards on the internet, has announced today that hyperlinks, the method by which web pages ‘link’ to other web pages on the internet are to be phased out and replaced with simple links to YouTube videos. “Nobody is using hyperlinks any more,” said Greg Yammer, head of the committee responsible for hypertext communication methods. “Recent statistics show that 98.4% of links distributed across the internet via web pages, e-mail, instant messaging and IRC are links to YouTube, and 74.2% of those are to a video of teenagers dropping Mentos into a bottle of Pepsi. Therefore, it is the aim of the W3C to phase out hyperlinking and replace it with a simpler system whereby all links point to the YouTube site.”

A spokesman for YouTube, when contacted by phone for comment, said: “Wahey! Ker-ching!” and laughed hysterically for five minutes before passing out and dropping the receiver.

George W. Bush: man of the people, pt.2

“So, how long have you been black?”

George W. Bush: man of the people

“Shhh, nobody say anything, but there’s a black guy in the room. Ve-e-ery slowly, someone stand up and go get the National Guard.”

Inside the mind of Paris Hilton

“…That’s hot, fingerbanging, hot, fashion, money, money, dump boyfriend, that’s hot, get boyfriend, dump boyfriend, photographs photographs photographs, fashion, small dog, that’s hot, am I wearing panties, doesn’t matter, interview, TV show, interview, pause for photographs, I wish my life wasn’t a howling demonstorm of soul-destroying emptiness that threatens to eat away the very core of my being until there’s nothing but a black void of vacuity, oo freebies, oh great another iPod, oh wow that’s hot, cock, I’m rich, where’s my hairdresser, where’s the limo, sex video, getting wasted, that’s hot, trailer trash, ankle bracelet, daddy…”

Bleeding obvious on rye

I think if you’re going to pay £1.79 for a ham and mustard sandwich, it shouldn’t taste like a rubber bathmat doused in stagnant pond water.

Old joke goes bad

“No baby, not that ring.”

Welcome to Monday

Welcome to another week at work, watching thick people who drive BMWs and get paid far more than you lounge around all day in meetings doing far less work and spouting buzzwords; envying the dead and people who’ve had full frontal lobotomies; and working out in your head how many years it is until you retire, then realising when you do your pension almost certainly won’t cover the cost of your ambitions and you’ll probably be too old and knackered to do anything about them anyway.

Still, only five more days to the weekend.

What 74% of dentists sleep on

The other 26% sleep on a mattress stuffed with Fabergé eggs and caviar.