Jesse Jackson shocks Al Sharpton

“You can shoot ping-pong balls out of your what?”

North Korea spying on internet users

“They appear to be reading some kind of web site.”

Downstairs poetry

Britney Spears’s,
Fanny has ears,
In order to hear you coming;
But Gillian McKeith’s,
Arse has got teeth,
So you’d better not give her a bumming.

Pope forms comedy double act to win over Turkish people

“Anyone in from Turkey? You sir. Is that your wife or are you just a terrorist? Blown up any buildings lately? Hey Ali, I wouldn’t say all Islamics are terrorists, but… ah ladels and jellyspoons, it’s time for me to go, but I’d just like to thank your friend and mine, Ali Bardakoglu, and finish on a song. This is a little number I call ‘My God’s Better Than Yours’. I’m better than yoo-hoo, because my god’s better than yours. I went to the doctor and he told me I was fine, because my god’s better than yours. Everybody!”

Pope screws it up in Turkey

“Dude, thanks for the present. I totally got you something too — it’s a cartoon of Muhammad I drew on the plane.”

German Chancellor Merkel shocks Bush at NATO summit

“You can shoot ping-pong balls out of your what?”

It’s fascist dictatorship time!

Right, I’m sick of all this democratic, easy-going, PC, protect the weak bullshit. From now on it’s death for the smallest offence.

1. Anyone incapable of walking above a certain speed: dead
2. Anyone caught whistling, (tunefully or tunelessly, I don’t discriminate): dead
3. Anyone who blocks a doorway or any family or group who string themselves out across the pavement and commit no.1: dead
4. Anyone getting on a bus without their ticket or fare ready: dead
5. TV chefs: dead
6. Anyone who honks their horn unnecessarily, for example taxi drivers or cunts who beep to indicate that they have arrived outside someone’s house: dead
7. Anyone who, at any time, has been responsible for keeping Graham Norton or Ruby Wax in work: dead
8. Graham Norton and Ruby Wax: tortured, then dead
9. Owners of 5.1 surround sound systems: dead
10. Anyone who doesn’t agree with me, obviously: dead

Approval TV

Is there a show on television at the moment that doesn’t involve someone being judged by a vile, snotty twat?

The jokes that nobody tells, pt.3

A cannibal walks into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long face?” and the cannibal replies, “It was all that was left in the fridge.”

The jokes that nobody tells, pt.2

Why did the chicken cross the Mafia?

To get to the top.