Carol Vorderman, naked!

You may have come here looking for pictures of Carol Vorderman in all her saggy glory, but there are more important matters at hand. This is a public service announcement — the people of Great Britain must be warned before an unstoppable horror is unleashed upon them. Heed these words, and heed them well: Carol Vorderman is a vile money-grabbing parchment-faced mechanoid death machine who will crush your pelvis between her carbon fibre thighs as soon as look at you. She will drive you into debt with her trustworthy image, constructed from computer software originally designed for U.S. presidents. She will disintegrate your face with her eye lasers. She will melt your arms off with her microwave buttocks. Carol Vorderman wants to destroy mankind and, unless we do something to stop her, she will complete her transformation into an evil mathematical robot of doom. You may be sceptical now, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when she goes on a Godzilla style rampage through the streets of London, tearing off men’s heads with her mechanical clacker. Then you’ll believe.

Cheney almost killed by suicide bomber at Bagram Airbase

Map shows how close the Vice President was at the time of the explosion.

Serbia cleared of genocide

In other news:

• Italy given probation for punching Switzerland in the arsehole
• France cleared of affair with Spain: Portugal to appeal
• Australia convicted of raping New Zealand
• Macedonia prevents Albania from seeing Bulgaria
• Bolivia escapes drunk driving charge on technicality

Showbiz:

• China gets a tattoo and shaves its head

Unreasonable dislikes, no.1: Renée Zellweger

Renée Zellweger is a balloon-faced, squeaky, fish-mouthed bint. And she looks like she’d smell of wallpaper paste. Shame it wasn’t called Bridget Jones’s Brutal Murder — then I might have watched it. Boo to Renée, boo.

Three words or phrases that will be banned come the revolution, pt.XII

1. Laters
2. Prolly
3. My way or the highway

For no reason, it’s another poem about Hazel Blears

Hazel Blears,
Cash for peers,
No ideas,
Hazel Blears.

Prince Harry to serve in Iraq

“So tell me, how long have you been an insurgent? About 2 years? And is that your own AK-47? How Marvellous.”

Blair explains why withdrawing troops is very much like making love to a beautiful woman

“I entered Iraq with great enthusiasm, screwed it good and hard, and now I’m pulling out before my little soldiers explode all over the place.”

Blair announces troop withdrawal plan

“This plan differs from the old plan in that we’re not bringing the troops home one by one in boxes.”

Things for Britney Spears to do now she’s mad

• Team up with Paris Hilton to form an elite crime-fighting duo who catch criminals using their vaginas.
• Auction herself on eBay.
• Issue a public statement that reads, “Gibber gibber gibber gibber”.
• Enter world record attempt to produce world’s loudest fart.
• Public urination.
• Challenge Mariah Carey to spaghetti wrestling match.
• Porn.
• Grab her own breasts in public and make a honking noise.