2007: it’s 1984, with chimps

“War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength.”

Inside the mind of a multi-millionaire

“Wow, yeah, look at me man. I bet I look really cool pretending to play this electric guitar, like Milli Vanilli man. I’m glad these crazy cats are here taking my picture, man I’d hate for anyone to miss out on seeing me looking this cool. I mean, man, I had my beard re-sculpted especially for this event. Wait a minute, what is it I’m promoting here? The Virgin Carpets launch isn’t until next Tuesday, and the Virgin Biscuits gig is on Wednesday. C’mon Branson, you crazy guy, fight the senility! I know, it’s Virgin Slippers! No, wait, that was last week. Have I bought something recently? Keep pretending you’re playing that guitar and think like the hep millionaire denim-wearing madman you are. I know I bought a cup of tea the other day… Virgin Tea! No, that was just one cup, there wouldn’t be enough to go round. Is it Virgin Universities? That can’t be it, I haven’t had the logo designs for that yet. Hang on, wait a minute, I know what it is — I’m not launching anything, I’m just desperately trying to convince people that I’m still a young, trendy, radical free-thinking dude and not an ageing, decrepit, publicity-hungry, self-aggrandising tit with a beard that looks like a cunt. Bloody hell, my arthritis isn’t half playing up today.”

Tom Cruise is not a shortarse

“I’m not smaller, I’m further away.”

Gordon Brown explains his budget

“I want to be as popular as Tony.”

Coming soon: it’s Piss Week on Channel 4

On Monday viewers will have a chance to win a cash prize by travelling back in time to get a flying insect to urinate in a martial arts star’s hot beverage, in Get A Bee To Wee Into Bruce Lee’s Green Tea For A Big Fee.

And so on.

Coming soon: it’s Scat Week on Channel 4

Scat Week on Channel 4 kicks off on Monday at 9.30pm with Wipe A Ripe Diaper On My Wife Billie Piper, a high concept game show hosted by Chris Evans. Contestants must follow a series of clues and fly, Treasure Hunt stylee, around in a helicopter until they locate chipmunk-faced overrated singer, actrix and still wife Billie Piper, upon which they must trap her and smear a dirty nappy previously worn by her husband on some part of her person. Contestants can win a million pounds or a chocolate fountain presented by Piper herself.

Recently diagnosed with epilepsy, a naked Britt Ekland will be crapped on as she attends a Formula 1 Grand Prix to do a cooking show and DJ gig in Shit On Britt’s Clit, Tits And Oven Mitts In The Pits While She Fits And Plays The Hits, 10pm Tuesday.

Dawn French’s celebrity debate about skid marks with a famous TV travel show presenter with a bad heart, that doubles as a tribute to Alan Freeman, TV Vicar Bickers Over Shit-Stained Knickers With Alan Whicker And His Dodgy Ticker, Pop Pickers will be shown on Wednesday at 9pm.

On Thursday at 10pm, waif-like coke-snorting supermodel Kate Moss puts on a risky art show expressing her contempt for movable barriers that her art world friends violently dislike in Kate Tempts Fate And Defecates On A Gate Incurring Hate From Her Mates At The Tate.

On Friday, a double bill of light-hearted game shows to round off the week: Slap A Crap On A Random Chap, and Make A Nerd Throw A Turd At An Attractive Bird, compered by Vernon Kaye.

Showbiz news

• The original title for Notting Hill was Fucking Shitsack Stammerfucks Go Bumpy Bumpy In Smugtown, but Richard Curtis changed it at the last minute.
• Lily Allen is a talentless bleating stringbean topped off with Keith Allen’s punchable face. She should be melted down for glue and the glue used to stick a turd to her dad’s tonsils, says bald drummer Phil Collins.
• Will Smith fucks blue tits.

Wordsworth was a pervert

Change two words and Wordsworth is revealed as the flower fucking scumbag we all suspected he was:

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
Wanking on some daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my cock with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Is Jessica Alba pregnant with Brad Pitt’s lovechild?

No.

People who need to be severely killed

1. Permatanned crap-spouting chat-turds Richard and Judy
2. Cockney fucksocks Keith and Lily Allen
3. Talent-free comedy colostomy Patrick Kielty
4. The two snobby flouncing shouting prickhats who present Masterchef Goes Large
5. Every cunt-brained fuckwad presenting, judging or appearing in the human abomination that is America’s Next Top Model
6. Catherine Tate