Doctor Who swaps jobs with Dr Seuss

Episode 1: Doctor Who travels to 1982 to meet Kajagoogoo in Wallamaroo and, unable to find a loo, is forced to do a poo in a didgeridoo.

Episode 2: Doctor Who stages a military coup to impress Betty Boo who invites him to a zoo to do the do live on BBC2.

Episode 3: Doctor Who fights a lunatic goo made from a woman named Sue and a snooker cue but is saved by the spew of a man named Hugh who is too good to be true.

Episode 4: Doctor Who uses superglue to subdue a kung fu kangaroo who wants to screw the bomber crew of an overdue B2 from Peru.

Episode 5: Doctor Who is imbued with stomach flu from alien shampoo that makes him get a tattoo of fondue on the sole of his shoe.

Episode 6: Doctor Who, Blink 182 and Louis Theroux travel to Timbuktu to buy a canoe for the Sioux, but it turns out to be light blue and made from bamboo which is construed as taboo.

Bono: he talks to the orphans!

“Have you met the Pope? I’ve met the Pope. Have you met Brazilian President Lula da Silva? I’ve met Brazilian President Lula da Silva. I win.”

Saturday evening TV on BBC1 and ITV1

BBC1

7.25pm How Do You Solve A Problem Like Sudoku?
Andrew Lloyd Webber saves money by using license fees and the resources of the BBC to look down on contestants as he tries to find an assistant who can do his sudoku for him. Presenter Moribund Jones looks on in a mild state of false agitiation in the hope of conveying excitement.

8.10pm Squawk Puppies
Three judges led by inexplicably popular abuser of the deluded Reginald Cocktrouser verbally deride and belittle people they’ve never met before for the entertainment of others as hapless contestants bleat Celine Dion songs to them in the hope of escaping their miserable existences for a life of cocaine, ruthless criticism and eventual psychological destruction, egged on by host Shapely Anus in the guise of friendly supporter.

8.55pm Celebrity Dance Chattel
Partially known no-hopers train and compete for the title of ‘prick in a stupid outfit’ and a desultory £500 contribution to charity in this glittering travesty presented by Fern Britton and Phil Gimp and watched by an audience of millions willing the dancers to fall over and hurt themselves. Don’t forget to vote by texting your bank account number to 88858.

ITV

7.15pm Ant and Dec’s Fight Club
Cheeky conjoined twins Ant and Dec encourage members of the public to deceive each other and exploit their opponents’ inherent insecurities all for a few miserable quid in this light-hearted game show thought up by television executives whose primary reason for living is that new BMW Jeremy Clarkson reviewed on Top Gear last week.

8.15pm Celebrity Ice Employment Opportunity
Ex-news readers and sports players are propelled across an expanse of frozen water by perenially underemployed professional ice skaters so hard up they’ll willingly teach Nicholas Witchell to lift up a woman by her crotch. Exclusive behind the scenes training footage shows the celebrity contestants moaning about how hard it all is and occasionally squeezing out a tear beneath an emotive voiceover from hosts Tim Ringlord and Michaela Teeth. Judges Canasta Belchforth, Ribble Snodhorn and Tertiary Bagsnatch insult your intelligence with well-rehearsed snidey comments before you, the public, are asked to contribute to their well-being by texting your children’s dinner money to 81810.

9.15pm Pop Chancers!
Jizzbang Clittyhammer presents the final semi-quarter heat of the show dedicated to churning out another middling nobody from the conveyor belt of pop straight into the rubbish bin of Celebrity Love Island. Genetically engineered judges The Mean One, The Nice One and The Other One offer nuggets of sneering cruelty to people who think it’s all real in order to raise the crumpled-face crying of destroyed hope, while secondary camera monkey Elfin Slidewhistle comforts them in a patronising display of contractually obliged hugging.

Message to people who talk loudly all the time

Stop talking loudly all the time, you loudmouthed fuckwits.

Three words or phrases that will be banned come the revolution, pt.XIII

1. That’s just how I roll
2. Boyf
3. Natasha Bedingfield

Tonight on Bravo UK

6.00pm The Happy Jokey Injury Show

7.00pm World’s Bangiest Bangs 3

8.00pm Explosion Explosion Explosion

9.00pm FILM: Emmanuelle VI: Shark Attack

10.00pm When Skydivers Attack Concrete

Natasha Bedingfield: nature’s emetic

Having heard and seen about 5 seconds of her new single and video it’s clear that Natasha Bedingfield’s musical style has moved on to become, impossible though it may seem, even more hateful and annoying than before. She’s a hideous, flappy, squawking, toothsome, insipid ball of pointlessness and, as such, should be plucked from unfathomable popularity and her face used to pump out the 100 million litres of raw sewage currently to be found floating in the Firth of Forth.

People who should be killed, pt.10

• Anyone who pronounces it “ashfelt”
• That fish-faced prick in the BT Broadband adverts

It’s The Great Train Robbery Play On Words Film Festival!

The Gweat Twain Wobbewy 1984 — Jonathan Ross stars as Tewwy Wichards in this pisspoor remake of the classic Sean Connewy film.
Director: Roland Arz

The Great Wayne Robbery 1984 — Aliens abduct everyone on Earth named Wayne and then wish they hadn’t in this pisspoor alien abduction comedy romance thriller road movie horror.
Director: Wayne Kerr

The Great Train Wobbly 1984 — Corrupt managers cut corners by constructing the world’s fastest train from jelly in this pisspoor disaster movie from the producers of Jelly Maguire.
Director: Ted Gerbils

The Gay Train Robbery 1994 — Police detective Vince Vaughan investigates the theft of a homosexual locomotive in this pisspoor Ben Stiller comedy, featuring a cameo appearance by Will Ferrell as Fat Max.
Director: Vince Mince

The Time Out guide to who’s in

Tebbity Norkholding — famous for her avant-garde pastry designs, Tebbity is the hottest pastry artist on the whole of London’s swinging pastry scene. Celebrity swearbox Gordon Ramsay described Tebbity’s apple and crab choux swirl as, “The immaculate conception of cakes”. Tebbity’s pastry installation is at Ramsay’s Gobshite eatery until the end of this week, when she is due to become unfashionable.

Sausage and Mash — bringing old school ribald comedy double-act fun to a tired stand-up scene, Tommy Sausage and Bobby Mash are selling out tiny venues across North London, using their unique brand of delightfully unreconstituted 1970s casual racism to bring the house down wherever they play. See them at the Enfield Troubadour this Tuesday night, tickets £7 on the door, whites only.

DJ Dick Van Dyke — describing himself as “the sexual chimneysweep”, Van Dyke is a rapper, turntablist and jog/shuttle specialist from the mean streets of Haringey who is stunning rap’s high guard with his breathtaking blend of boots-on-the-ground urban commentary, diatribe and hardcore skiffle. Growing up raiding his father’s collection of Lonnie Donegan albums, Van Dyke recalls, “I knew as soon as I laid down my first rhyme over a washboard that I was destined to be the Dr Dre of skif-hop”. Van Dyke holds court at the Camden Claphouse Wednesday night from 2am.

Chris Shit — the new figurehead of the Queen’s Institute of Marketing (QUIM), Shit gives his inaugural keynote speech to the marketing industry on Friday via a webcast sponsored by Cadbury’s. Chris’s grass-roots, low-barrelled, object-oriented, vertically-mobile approach to marketing has reinvigorated a stagnating industry, with many marketing wizards describing him as “the lead-lined moral compass of branding”. A DVD, vodcast, podcast, interactive game, and remix of the keynote by top music producer Bling Boy Ponce will be available shortly afterwards.