Gordon Brown, prime minister of pop!

Gordon Brown has unveiled his new cabinet and yes, it’s The Spice Girls! Ginger, Sporty, Squeaky, Dopey and George have reunited to take their places on the new prime minister’s right hand.

Those ministerial jobs in full:

Ginger Minister for Education – tasked with bringing the message of girl power to school-aged children from all walks of life, Ginger has vowed to “kick arse, yeah”, and maybe flash her boobs.

Scary Minister for the Environment – Scary’s controversial policies on the environment, including reducing climate change by sewing a giant blanket made of ice across the hole in the ozone layer, outlawing baked beans, and going to war against the sky, are rubbish, but no-one has the balls to tell her.

Posh Minister for Health – mandatory boob jobs and sunbed sessions for every man and woman under 40 in the United Kingdom will, Posh believes, make this nation of pale, drab, unhealthy people look “fab”. Food will also be banned.

Baby Chancellor of the Exchequer – keeping inflation steady, dealing with the Bank of England, and balancing the nation’s budget will be Baby’s main responsibilities in her new post. “Steering the country on a steady and prudent fiscal course has long been an ambition of mine,” said Baby while sucking a lollipop and looking coy.

Sporty Minister for High Kicking and Going “Yeah!” – responsible for the tricky and unenviable task of improving the nation’s karate kicking skills and exclamations of positivity in case of invasion by unarmed pessimistic midgets, Sporty believes she has what it takes to energise the nation’s tendons.

Major League Baseball player objects to drugs test

“Here’s my damn urine sample!”

If I write a post that mentions the iPhone, will this site get more hits?

Hello, technology masturbators. Lots of people are currently writing weblog posts full of conjecture about the iPhone in order to generate more hits, so here’s another one.

Will the iPhone enable mobile users to remotely order Starbucks coffee from up to half a mile away?

No.

Please try not to get nerd drool on this site, as it stains quite badly. There’s only a week to go until the iPhone is released, so pace yourselves or you’ll blap your porridge before the big day.

Space shuttle attacked by TIE Fighter

Han Solo unable to make last minute rescue due to incarceration in Space Guantanamo.

What do you call a dead, fat, racist bastard?

Bernard Manning. Ho ho.

The enquiring mind of President George W. Bush

“…And another thing — why is it called the Seal of the President when it hasn’t even got a goddam picture of a seal on it?”

Paris Hilton — now in tablet form

Now available over the counter: Pariciltonol — it’s like paracetamol, except it doesn’t work and it makes you sick.

Nut Bush Shitty Limits

Ho ho — the President of the United States and world’s most powerful man, George W. Bush, has been sitting on the crapper all morning with the thundering squits.

You Are Sleeping: correction

Commenter “Jules” points out that item 1, “Comfort zone”, of the previous post, “Three words or phrases that will be banned come the revolution, pt.XVI”, has already been placed on the list of phrases to be outlawed, here. This embarrassing oversight is the responsibility of the YAS Lexicographical Bannenisation Technical Working Group, the members of which have been smushed into a fleshy cube and put in a cupboard. This will serve as a warning to the new members of the working group and should prevent any repetition of this serious error. On behalf of your forthcoming dictatorship please accept 1 (one) apology, which is not an admission of liability, and this 2 Euro Amazon gift voucher. Thank you.

Three words or phrases that will be banned come the revolution, pt.XVI

1. Comfort zone
2. Take it to the next level
3. Job’s a good ‘un