George Bush Sr. meets Bono

“Say, you’re that guy who’s such an asshole it makes my son look like less of an asshole. Good work.”

Brad Pitt speaks of hope for the future at Clinton Initiative

“…And with any luck by 9pm I’ll be wearing her like a glove puppet.”

An open letter to Katie Melua

Dear Katie Melua,

If you were a sailboat, I’d sail you out into the beautiful deep blue ocean and sink you with hammers.

Yours sincerely,
Everyone.

The new Time Out guide to who’s in

The Caveman Bitches — undisputed purveyors of ‘pork rock’, The Caveman Bitches are a 3 piece all-girl outfit hailing from Granddad, Ohio whose first album “Go Monkey” is cantering up the charts like a six-legged beagle. The band is gaining a reputation for its wild and chaotic gigs, often involving singing and the playing of music. See them at The Hormel Foods Stadium, Londinium, this coming Thursday. Not to be missed.

Teremy Sniller — U.S. talk show hosts could learn a thing or two from U.K. based Sniller, whose no-nonsense straight-talking bombastic abusive style is alarming and upsetting guests daily on cable channel The Blong. The show’s opening credits, which show Sniller tearing up a copy of the Geneva Convention, are also drawing criticism from family groups for showing the host slapping a child and a hamster, but there’s no doubt his violent style of arbitration is traumatically effective. Catch Sniller weekdays at 2pm on The Blong, Sky Channel 44.

Shizzy Fringles — the best stand-up comedian to emerge from weekly U.S. topical comedy show ‘Laugh Now’, New Yorker Fringles takes everyday situations and turns them on their head, talking about them at great length often without any jokes or a punchline. This daring approach to comedy, nicknamed ‘talkedy’ by The Chicago Tribune, can produce bemuzzlement in audiences but, with Fringles’s shows lasting more than 3 hours, there’s no doubting he’s value for money. ‘Shizzy Fringles Yaks’ finishes its 5 night run at The British Heart Foundation Arena this Friday. Tickets are available from ticketslinger.com.

Jandra — most famous for having her shoulder blades surgically shaved in order to become thinner and more streamlined, up-and-coming supermodel and motorcycle racer Jandra (full name Jandra Sfund Clam) is currently only 6 points away from becoming the new face of Givenchy. See a hypothermic Clam on the catwalk at Grimsby Fashion Week from the 7th to the 19th, modelling Maxpie Glind’s stunning new ice dress collection on a Ducatti 500.

Virgin Media = Goons of Goon Island

Somewhere between Sunday night and Monday morning my Virgin Media broadband, cable television and phone service died.

On Monday evening the first Virgin Media phonecock I spoke to told me there were no engineers in my area until Friday, and forgot to book the appointment anyway; then on Tuesday morning an engineer turned up while I was out and fixed the phone service. On Tuesday evening another Virgin Media phonespaz told me categorically that there were no engineers available until the following Monday evening, 8 days after the fault occurred.

Today (Wednesday — 5 days early) an engineer turned up to say he’d had a rummage around in the junction box down the street and fixed the TV and broadband. Left hand, meet right hand. No? Okay then.

And, because Virgin Media likes to give the gift of raging incompetence, the set-top box has come back to life with most of its channels missing because of another fault in the area.

In summary, then: commtards.

Saturday evening TV on BBC1 and ITV1 again

BBC1

7.50pm Bounce Rabble Bounce!
Misguided members of the public bounce up and down on a huge trampoline as ping pong balls are fired at them by minor celebrities, and answer questions posed by bewildered ash-coloured cackling robohost Renegade Deerhunter for a chance to win £500,000 worth of milk bottle tops.

8.30pm The National Lottery Desperate Marketing Ploy
Declan Smear presents this oddly-themed quiz of startling complexity. Three hundred contestants standing in an empty swimming pool in Cheadle Hulme leisure centre must work together to solve a 10,000 piece jigsaw in less than 9 minutes. The contestant with the highest ratio of successfully placed edge to centre pieces will then be flown by helicopter to Rhyl where they will have 6 minutes to build a pyramid out of salt while being taunted by ex-boxer Barry McGuigan for a chance to win a clam wetting holiday in Berlin.

9.15pm Jonathan Ross’s Fawning Promotion Hour
Popular pop singer Grunty from The Dregs, popular movie star Wendel Dram, and unaccountably popular badger baiter “Big” Mick McZiggy have their egos fingered by partially outrageous weasely ballbag Jonathan Ross as they blurt out trivial stories of fame and hawk their fatuous career turds to an audience of shrieking dimwits.

ITV

8.00pm Who Wants To Be A Jabbering Fucktard?
Chris Bonk hosts another episode of the seemingly never-ending quiz show in which a ceaseless parade of burbling dickwits flaunt their ignorance for a slim chance of winning more than 500 quid and a condescending chuckle from the host.

9.00pm Golden Wondering
Overwraught drama featuring scenes of hand-wringing and dramatic sobbing which some viewers may find unbelievably fucking irritating. Mermolene Dangles (Caroline Quentin), a middle class single mother of three, has her life torn apart when she finds a crisp packet on her front lawn. Then David (Rinty Bangmouth) from the council’s high-tech garden litter reclamation team enters her garden and her life — but is the man from the council everything he seems, or underneath his unfeasibly smooth exterior is he an unfeasibly manic child buggering serial killer? Yes.

11.00pm Brash News and Weather
With Jeremy Serious and Mimsy Fluffer.

11.01pm Golden Wondering continues
Mermolene has learnt David’s terrible secret and, as he chases her and her family around their muted semi-detached house, she can’t help but wonder if he had something to do with the crisp packet in her garden and her dead mother in the shed (concludes 35 minutes after you stopped giving a shit).

Mel Gibson pitches his latest project

“Hey God, I’ve got this idea for a new TV show called Touched By A Drunk Anti-Semitic Angel. What do you think?”

Michael Douglas wants to share his secret with you

“Do you like my big, shiny, luscious hair? Are you envious that with the help of prescription medication, I get to have a go on Catherine Zeta Jones? Well, now you too can look like me and bang annoying Welsh tarts. The Michael Douglas Hair Enlargement Kit is available for just $19.99 from all good pet shops. Live the dream.”

Ted Kennedy asks serious questions at Senate hearing

“Does anyone know how to make Excel turn this into a pie chart?”

Pop quiz

Are The Kaiser Chiefs a bunch of:

a) bananas?
b) silly billies?
c) lairy shouting shitbags who are nothing but a trendy haircut on top of a smackable everylad face, intent on forcing their constipated songs into the nation’s ears through Radio 1’s shrivelled sweating anus?

The first person to give the correct answer wins a baseball bat and Jo Whiley.