Sugababes snapped on night on the town

“Tell us you like our sexy frocks or we’ll kick your head in.”

Spot the pie competition

First prize: a pie.

Whizz bangs

What kind of drooling shit-brained fuckwad lets off fireworks during the fucking day?

Bush reacts to Dole speech on veteran care

“Hur hur, he said ‘assistance’. Ass.”

Message to Richard Branson

You’re not a rock star, you sad old prong, you’re a ruthless corporate tossbag just like all the other CEOs, so stop trying to be likeable, put the guitar down, and fuck right off.

Channel 5’s Thursday night line-up

30 Rock — The first episode of 30 Rock raises a lot of questions, chiefly ‘why the fuck is it called 30 Rock?’, and ‘why is it so unbelievably shit?’. Unbelievably shit.

Californication — All Californication needs is Robin Askwith as David Duchovny’s window cleaning chum and you’d have a 1970s sex farce with 21st century knockers. Knockers.

Bush comes to a startling realisation

“Hey! I just worked out why it’s called the White House!”

Ben Affleck promotes his latest film

“Hi, I’m movie star Ben Affleck. You may remember me from such films as “Ben Affleck Saves The World”, “Ben Affleck Gets The Girl”, and “Ben Affleck Has Whooshy Hair”. You may also remember me from my highly publicised relationship with J to the L to the O, or Jello as I like to call her. Many of you may be interested to know that I’m now married to Jennifer Garner and that I have a large penis. I hope all you lovely ladies will come and see my new movie, “Ben Affleck Wants An Oscar”, which I directed but don’t star in. But I directed it.”

You should be ashamed of yourself

According to WordPress, someone arrived at this site yesterday using the search term “kate mccann naked”. That’s horrible — I mean, she’s not even that fit.

Gordon Brown makes new pledge during Iraq visit

“I pledge to walk past a helicopter.”