Bush kick starts Middle East peace talks

“…And I’m sure you’ll all join me in commending President Abbas for his most excellent hit single, ‘Take A Chance On Me’.”

Inside the mind of Rudy Giuliani

“9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11, oh oh oh 9/11, come on and rock me 9/11.”

Things I’d like to see in porn

1. 600 lesbians buggering each other with zucchinis in an olympic-sized swimming pool full of mayonnaise
2. A woman dressed as a sexy school dinner lady who administers hot dinners to a succession of Two Ronnies impersonators
3. 12-nun biscuit tin action

I CAN HAS SACK?

At the cinema

Beowulf — Robert Zemeckis employs expensive motion capture and computer animation techniques to tell the story of a dyslexic wolf with body odour. Featuring the smell of Angelina Jolie. Two thumbs up your arse.

Lions for Lambs — Animated children’s adventure from Disney, telling the story of the 1972 Moscow Zoo hostage crisis. Featuring Bruce Willis as the voice of Vladimir The Death Panda. One thumb up and one in a dyke.

Good Luck Chuck — Vince Vaughn stars in this raucous true story of Chuck Yeager’s attempt to break the sound barrier in 1947, and his love of beer and naked pool parties. When Chuck’s lucky rabbit’s foot is stolen by poachers, he loses his self-confidence and must go on a crazy quest to retrieve the charm, or evil test pilot Randy Douchebag will break the sound barrier before him. One fist up.

Things that aren’t true, no.2

“The police tell me that they have no reason to believe that this data has found its way into the wrong hands.”

Slip-up at space shuttle crew news conference

“I’d like to tell you more about the mission but, apart from baldy, we’re all pretty hungover right now.”

Things that aren’t true, no.1

Bear Grylls grills bears.

Tonight on BBC4

8.00pm FILM: We Came To Die
Light-hearted comedy from South Korea. Haneul and Areum are two girls living an unimaginably bleak life as government toenail clippers who decide to break free of the shackles of employment and ride a tandem over the Sobaek mountain range. Along the way they meet a range of quirky and murderous characters and are drugged, raped and beaten to death by pirate nuns just inches from completing their life-affirming goal.
Director: Kim Gu (Happy Flower Of Death). Subtitled.

11.00pm The History Of History
Noted historical historian Dr Harold Cunnilingus delves into the history of history in this historical examination of history. In this episode, Dr Cunnilingus asks the question, “Is history really written by the victors?” and finds that the victors were often too busy victoring to history, and the losers too depressed, and so butterflies took it upon themselves to dictate large chunks of human endeavour into a giant tape recorder that top history historians now believe is buried in the very heart of Mount Everest.
Director: Napoleon Bonaparte.

It’s the stupidest thing in human history

Reuters reports on the ultimate testament to human stupidity: the $25,000 dessert (link will expire in 30 days, full text of story below). Seriously, if you have $25,000 to piss away on a pudding, you really ought to frame the resulting gold-flecked bowel movement to remind you what a pathetic farce your life has become.

New York’s $25,000 dessert sets Guinness record
Wed Nov 7, 2007 2:59pm EST
By Vivianne Rodrigues

NEW YORK (Reuters) – A day after New York City came up with a $1,000 bagel, a local restaurateur unveiled a $25,000 chocolate sundae on Wednesday, setting a Guinness world record for the most expensive dessert.

Stephen Bruce, owner of Serendipity 3, partnered with luxury jeweler Euphoria New York to create the “Frrozen Haute Chocolate,” a blend of 28 cocoas, including 14 of the most expensive and exotic from around the globe.

The dessert, spelled with two Rs, is infused with 5 grams (0.2 ounces) of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. At the base of the goblet is an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds.

The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound.

It is eaten with a gold spoon decorated with white and chocolate-colored diamonds, which can also be taken home.

“It took us a long time to experiment with all the ingredients and flavors, and more than three months were needed just to design the golden spoon,” Bruce told Reuters.

Four years ago, Bruce unveiled a $1,000 ice cream sundae called Golden Opulence, a staple on his menu and a favorite with rock stars, socialites and other celebrities.

Both desserts are sold only with advance orders. Bruce said he has received inquiries about his latest creation, mostly from Europeans planning to visit New York.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if soon we get a call from a Middle Eastern prince or Shah willing to give something sweet to his many wives on his next trip to the city,” Bruce said.

On Tuesday, New York chef Frank Tujague of The Westin New York hotel at Times Square unveiled the $1,000 bagel, topped with white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. Sales will help raise funds for culinary school scholarships.