Christmas Day TV highlights

BBC1

3pm Celebrity Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom On Ice
Someone from Coronation Street and half the cast of Holby City perform the entire plot of the classic Harrison Ford film to a backdrop of stinging criticism from three wise twats.

BBC2

5pm Time Paradox Night
Sir Jimmy Saville takes a look back at 25 years of 2007 in ‘The Now Then Now Then Show’ before disappearing up his own foetus. Featuring the talking heads of Vic Reeves, Dame Anna Glockenspiel, Vin Diesel, William Shakespeare, and Bendy The Chinese Space Squirrel.

2pm The Sky At Night
Sir Patrick Moore is torn apart molecule by molecule as the universe slowly unravels in his chest.

5pm Time Paradox Night
Sandy Tits takes a look back at 25 years of 2013 in ‘That Was The Year That Hasn’t Been Yet’.

ITV1

3pm FILM: Don’t Do Dying (1974)
Demis Roussos’s only outing as James Bond sees the deadly spy on the trail of Ramit Uppem, a supervillain hellbent on destroying the world by firing the South Pole into space. Flipsy Giggletits stars as Bond girl Rusty Minge.
James Bond……………….Demis Roussos
Ramit Uppem………………Robin Askwith
Rusty Minge………………Flipsy Giggletits
Fanny Magnet……………..Jill Cleavage
Alexei Cocknballs…………Orson Welles
Director: Ted Macho

Channel 4

4pm A Forced And Poorly Thought-Out Alternative Christmas Nativity
A camp disco Jesus and a lesbian atheist Virgin Mary star in a Big Brother style reality show set on a council estate in Hull. Three drunk wise men follow a light on the 27th floor of a local tower block carrying gifts for the son of a local gangster, known only as God. If the gifts aren’t good enough they face eviction from the show and a possible kneecapping. Featuring Johnny Vegas as the voice of God.

Five

3pm Off With A Bang
Wallace and Gromit return in a new adventure, written by Nick Park and directed by Paul Greengrass. Wallace and his long-suffering dog are caught up in a terrorist attack while testing a remote control duck on a day trip to London, with hilarious and devastating results.