John McCain, a brief biography

John Sidney McCain III (born August 29, 1936) is the senior United States Senator from Arizona and a candidate for the Republican Party nomination in the 2008 presidential election.

McCain became a naval aviator in 1958 and on his 23rd bombing mission over North Vietnam later in 1967, he was shot down and badly injured, and endured five and a half years as a prisoner of war. It is during his imprisonment that he famously invented oven chips, and a rectangular pizza that could be cooked using radio waves.

In 1988 McCain, having been elected to the U.S. Senate from Arizona in 1986, single-handedly saved the offices of the Nakatomi Corporation in Los Angeles from a group of German terrorists, an act that almost certainly won him Senate re-election in 1992.

Similar events at Washington’s Dulles Airport in 1990 and in New York in 1995 led McCain to seek the Republican nomination in the 2000 presidential election, only to be defeated by George W. Bush in one of the dirtiest campaigns in living memory.

McCain’s second attempt at gaining the nomination for the 2008 presidential elections was nearly derailed in 2007 when a group of hackers attempted to shut down the United States computer infrastructure. With the aid of another hacker, McCain was able to quickly resolve the problem and save the country, but at the expense of his own political campaign.

McCain’s spare time is spent with his family and at the frozen food company which he founded in 1975.

Message to phishers

Dear phishers,

I am writing to you to ask that you please keep sending me eight fake bank security notices a day, as the more notices I receive the more convinced I become that they are genuine. More than that, your subtle tactic of bombarding me with poorly constructed pleas for my personal details and surprising choice of pretending to be a bank with whom I don’t have an account indicates to me that you have a certain blind jolly optimism rarely seen in the evil scamming prick world and, for that reason, I certainly hope you don’t have a bloody and horrifying accident involving your testicles and a food blender that involves searing, intolerable, excruciating pain and a slow, lingering death that lasts several days, you fucking thick as pigshit venal cuntmonkeys.

Yours sincerely,
Deskbound.

Three wrongs

1. Plastic cutlery
2. Chrome rims on Range Rovers
3. The false bonhomie of Deal Or No Deal

Belated movie reviews, pt.III

X2 (aka X-Men 2, X2: X-Men United, 2 And A Half X-Men) 2003
Bryan Singer is shit. Really shit. The Usual Suspects was shit, X-Men was shit, and Superman Returns was a digital manipulation of the prostate of despair. X2, or 2 X-Men And A Baby, or whatever the fuck it’s called was, perhaps unsurprisingly, shit. Some mutants and some humans have a ruck. Some things blow up. There are some fights. One of the mutants dies for some reason. No-one cares. With zero characterisation, no sense of humour, tedious direction, and a pedestrian plot, X-Men 2: Electric Boogaloo is the movie equivalent of anti-depressants — you know a lot of stuff is going on, but you don’t really care one way or the other. Mutant shit.

He didn’t really say this

“Hello, my name is Henry Kissinger, and I like to fuck.”

Ad campaign for Virgin Media directory enquiries not a great success

“It’s like 118, plus 2, minus 118!”

What’s on around the UK this week

North-East
Newcastle Ice Rink this Thursday will be the venue for Tarts Of The Toon, Neville Sodomy’s groundbreaking regional opera. “Never before have I seen a theatre group so dedicated as to be able to vomit on cue” — The Newcastle Examiner

North-West
Liverpool is the 2008 European city of culture and to celebrate, the Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra will be having their instruments robbed.

Midlands
Sheriff Superted Bojangles of the Texas State National Rangers will this weekend be presenting World’s Most Dangerous Police Chases live at Birmingham’s NEC, culminating in Sheriff Bojangles shooting a suspect dead in front of an expected audience of 25,000 people.

The South
The entire south of England will be blanketed with biscuits on Wednesday in a performance art piece by Curly-Wurly Award winner Verity Glim. “Biscuits unite all of humanity,” explains Verity, “And by dropping 400,000 tons of Rich Tea on the South of England while singing ‘Feelings’ into a non-stick saucepan, I hope to symbolise the human struggle for individuality in a homogeneous society in a way everyone can appreciate.”

Scotland
The Edinburgh Flange starts this weekend. Similar to the Edinburgh Fringe but with more nudity, the Edinburgh Flange this year will be host to more than 60 naked or semi-naked comedians each hoping to win the coveted Wang Award for Comedy.

Wales
Nothing this week.

Torchwood season 2, then

For the love of all that’s decent, did no-one look at the first episode of Torchwood season 2 before broadcast and condemn it for the sloppily plotted, poorly characterised, atrociously written abomination it truly was? What delusional fuckwit conceived of a top secret organisation that rides around in a blue-lit heavily branded fucking Range Rover, and wastes the almost boundless amounts of goodwill James Marsters brings to any project? What lazy, misguided hack decided that ripping off early seasons of Buffy for your plot arcs, pissing a potentially classic character like Captain Jack up a wall, and having your entire cast of characters be bisexual nymphomaniacs constituted a spiffing idea for science fiction? Russell T Davies, everyone’s looking at you, you talentless pantomime twat.

Bush visit to Saudi Arabia gets out of hand

U.S. President George W. Bush (with sword) stands outside Al Murabba Palace in Riyadh before beheading an adulterous woman during his state visit to Saudi Arabia. President Bush had earlier amputated the hands of a murderer and will later flog a robber. REUTERS/Larry Downing (SAUDI ARABIA)

Insert sausage here