Spammers: they’re lovely

A spammer has thoughtfully used my e-mail address as the reply-to in some spam the cunt has excreted and, as a consequence, at one point this morning I was getting battered by over 100 delivery failure notices a minute. Call me unreasonable, but I’d quite like to see that spammer torn apart over a period of several years by a large machine designed specifically for the task, while it simultaneously waterboards him with the urine of people he’s spammed and embeds broken glass in his face, until he’s pulled into 5 separate pieces, set on fire, buggered by perverts, and then buried in a vat of old people’s shite.

Good Friday film review

Listening to rather than watching Freaky Friday, starring sagging sex pensioner Jamie Lee Curtis and perky spunkmuppet Lindsay Lohan, is a strange experience. Were you forced at gunpoint to recreate the essence of the film, it would go thus:

“I hate you!”
MAGIC WHOOSH
“Eeeeeeeeee!”
“Eeeeeeeeee!”
“Rules!”
“Sucks!”
“I understand your situation!”
“I understand your situation!”
MAGIC WHOOSH
THE END

For those who have taped it, I’ve saved you the bother. Sorry if there are any spoilers.

Captain Birdseye: an obituary

Captain Birdseye, pictured here with unnamed parrot, died yesterday aged 86. He was an honourable old sea dog with a clean, neatly trimmed white beard, a ruddy complexion and cheeky grin, and a liking for breadcrumbed cod digits. Often criticised throughout his career for press-ganging more than 6,000 children and making them work as unpaid crew on his ship, Birdseye was no more than a simple salt in the thrall of his sinister paymasters, The Bird’s Eye Company, who shipped the press-ganged kids off to sea with the promise of a better life on a tropical island filled with boiled sweets and puppies, when in reality they were to be turned into chicken dippers in the company’s huge floating offshore abattoirs. In his later years, the Captain took on an Oskar Schindler-like role, freeing as many children as he dare and delivering in their place cunningly disguised cardboard cut-outs, until in 1998 the quality of Bird’s Eye’s chicken dippers dropped below acceptable standards and he was found out and retired to a home.

Captain Birdseye — R.I.P., you old homo.

Message to Seann William Scott

Learn to spell your name properly, you fucktard.

Gordon Brown, prime minister of love!

“So I said to her, I said, ‘Baby, once you go Brown, you never go back’.”

Queen in surprise comeback

“Ha. Swear allegiance to me, motherfuckers.”

Message to songwriters

Please stop rhyming ‘park’ and ‘dark’. Thank you.

Poll: Obama needs to be gayer, more disabled to be elected

In a shock poll by CNN today, results indicated that Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama may be losing ground in the primaries because he is too heterosexual and able-bodied.

“Photographs of Mr Obama kissing his wife and walking are ruining his image with key Democratic voters eager to eliminate in one stroke the guilt they feel over voting for George W. Bush 4 years ago,” said political pollster Tony Asscocks. “It’s bad enough that he’s not a woman, but thankfully neither is Hillary.”

Carl Edwards in serious NASCAR accident

“Damn you, weight-saving paper seatbelts!”

U.S. border patrol agents have new immigrant deterrent

“Pull my finger.”