The Apprentice UK

I don’t have the vocabulary to describe the pure unadulterated unfettered rampant blistering murderous hatred I feel for hairy Siralan the second hand car dealer, his two arse-licking assistant yesfucks, and every single one of the simpering useless arrogant self-regarding vacuous delusional windbag spunkrags who want to work for him. May they all die in some kind of long-winded atomic sewage drowning incident with sharks.

This post has expressed 0.03% of the bile felt towards The Apprentice and anyone even remotely involved in its production.

Message to Frank Spencer

Admitting to making “mistakes” over abolishing the 10p tax rate and saying that you’re “listening” and “learning” as prime minister makes you sound like you don’t know that screwing pensioners and the poor is generally frowned upon. As chancellor, you had 10 years of watching Tony fuck the country to death; you could have used that time to learn how not to be a giant hated lying cock instead of wading in and buggering the corpse to oblivion.

You Are Sleeping’s top tip: don’t be cunty.

Pop Facts: Britney Spears

Troubled Britney is back in the studio recording her new album ‘Cuckoo Woop Woop Boing’, but in her spare time Britney likes to create fake nude pictures of herself and post them on the internet, as she is never allowed to be naked in real life.

Pop Facts: Kanye West

Taking his name from a railway station near Bristol in England, Kanye West’s white striped sunglasses became his trademark after he was shat on by a seagull through a venetian blind in 2002. Close friends say they smell terrible.

Pop Facts: Kate Nash

Kate, 37, used to drive trains on the London Underground and developed her vocal style by talking to passengers over the tannoy and listening to Lily Allen records. Her new single, due for release next week, laments a pizza she once had.

Pop Facts: Snow Patrol

Snow Patrol are three gas fitters from Belgium, who formed the band when they were 3 years old. Their hit single, ‘Chasing Cars’ was based on lead singer François Clackerbanger’s experiences when high on bleach fumes.

Pop Facts: Leona Lewis

Leona Lewis is actually transvestite boxer Lennox Lewis’s musical alter ego, and he admits his smash song ‘Bleeding Love’ is about knocking out Fergie in the eighth in 2002.

Pop Facts: Amy Winehouse

Ironically, Amy Winehouse is allergic to both wine and houses, meaning she has to drink cider and live on a park bench. And stay up until 3 o’clock in the morning twatting people.

Coming soon to a cinema near you!

Pisswizard and Tosscock (Cert TBC)
Abusive Tourette’s suffering cops Dogshit Pisswizard and Jamcunt Tosscock investigate some douchebag who might have stuck his dick in a girl’s ear. Bullshit!
D.I. Dogshit Pisswizard………Jim Davidson
Inspector Jamcunt Tosscock……Michael Barrymore
P.C. Nips O’Cumgurgler……….Samantha Janus
Minge Quimballs, QC………….Jane Asher
Bob ‘Arsefucker’ Smith……….Dennis Waterman
Director: Tittery Fartcake, Jr.

Voodoo Ednas (slight return)

“Oo Edna it’s like Winter out there innit all grey and miserable plays ‘avoc with me corns it does when it’s like this I was saying to Bert last night how it hadn’t been sunny since 1976 course I blame that ‘arold Wilson but Bert reckoned it was a complex series of atmospheric events coupled with mankind’s neglect of its environment what does he know though he can’t even bake a potato…”