Men in suits attend Suit Wearers’ Annual Convention

“Hey, nice suit.”

More on The Apprentice UK

Even if Siralan Sugar wasn’t such a gobby chancing shit-peddling poodle-haired prickweasel; even if he didn’t hire those two blank-faced robot arse-lickers to sit either side of him for some reason; even if The Apprentice wasn’t just a self-aggrandising excuse to bring in some money because what the fuck does Amstrad sell any more; he’d still be the most obnoxious cunt in Britain just for having his chair higher than everyone else because he thinks it’s intimidating when, if anything, it makes him look like an adult baby sitting in a high chair. I imagine he’s wearing a nappy under that desk, and the stern arse-licking fembot who sits to his right changes him whenever he has an ‘accident’.

Think of the most unpleasant way you can for someone to die, then have it fail the first time and have to be repeated. May that happen to Siralan on a daily basis and twice on Thursdays until the end of time.

Lolpope

In which I come this close to saying “Bah!”

I saw two minutes of the most soul-destroying TV show in the history of humanity last night on, unsurprisingly, MTV. A Shot At Love 2 With Tila Tequila seems to feature a number of male and female contestants who have to humiliate and degrade themselves in various contests for, I guess, a chance to do the sex to manky midget whore Tila Tequila. The part I saw before plucking out my own eyeballs and stuffing them in my ears involved tiny titular slut Tila stating that in order to win her “love” in the previous season, contestants had eaten a bull penis and testicles (because that’s traditionally what most people have to do to get someone to like them) but, this time around, they were going to have to eat pig vaginas.

Perhaps I have a faulty memory from all the beer, but when I was 12 or 15 or whatever the target age is of short-arsed sexbike Tila Tequila’s show, I don’t remember Bob Monkhouse or Paul Daniels or Bob Holness coercing the retarded into eating animal genitalia in exchange for a fuck. Jimmy Saville might have done it once or twice, but if he did it almost certainly wasn’t on Jim’ll Fix It. I realise this rant officially makes me old, and I’ll start buying the Daily Mail tomorrow but, really, titchy tit wank on legs Tila and the sorry band of shitehawks responsible for thinking this tawdry dehumanising spectacle into existence deserve to be pulped to smush, poured into a cup and left on a window sill to go mouldy.

People who need to be severely killed, pt.4

Anyone who walks around playing music out of the little tinny speaker in their mobile phone.

Putin recalls first meeting with Bush

“So I said to him, I said, Mr President, I don’t know what you’ve been drinking, but there’s no such thing as yellow vodka.”

Let’s patronise atheists, says leading Cardinal

The Archbishop of Westminster has urged Christians to treat atheists and agnostics with “deep esteem”.

The leader of Roman Catholics in England and Wales said that a “hidden God” was active in everyone’s life.

In other words, Christians should humour atheists and agnostics because God really exists and non-believers are simply poor deluded fools.

The good news is that because of the Cardinal’s wise words, my mind has been changed and I now believe — that the Archbishop of Westminster is Britain’s top sanctimonious dress-wearing cunt. Amen.

Notorious Mayoral election flasher strikes again

“Hello madam, would you like to see the results of my poll?”