Bodyguards fear for Bush’s safety

“It’s alright guys, he’s a good Terminator now.”

Ninja proctologists prepare for action

“Bend over; we’ll be in and out before you know it.”

“Reasonable” Ray Liotta talks to… loud motorbike guy

“Hi there sir. I can’t help but notice that it’s six o’clock in the morning and you’ve been revving up your nice green motorcycle for the past 15 minutes. I thought I’d come talk to you about that man to man and ask you: “Do you wanna die? Aaaw, do ya, huh, you fuckin’ leather wearing green motorbike revving noisy waking people up sonofabitch fuckin’ pussy mutherfucker?” Cos here’s me trying to get all up close and personal with the goddam mutherfuckin’ Sandman and I’m right on the goddam verge of getting that pussy ass hornblower to bring me a fuckin’ dream, but do I get a mutherfuckin’ cocksucking dream? Let me tell you mutherfucker, no I don’t, because some braindead witless two wheeled cocksucking douchebag likes to feel something big throbbing between his legs in the early hours of the goddam morning. So I’m here to tell you to shut the fuck up you sunrise motorcycle fuck or I’m gonna stick two tons of dynamite up your ass and blow your goddam dick to Christmas. Aaaaaaa, I’m just kiddin’ wit ya. But if you don’t stop revving up your motorcycle I’m gonna tie you to a shark and push you off a mutherfuckin’ cliff. Thanks for your time, shitheel. Aaa hahahahahaaa.”

Britain’s gone stabbing mad!

Yes, there’s a new craze sweeping the nation, and anyone can join in — simply get yourself to the nearest kitchen, arm yourself with a knife, and go apeshit stab mad crazy! Stabmaster G of Essex: “It’s good to stab people innit cos I go ‘uh’ ‘uh’ ‘uh’ and they’s dead like and then they respeks me, cos it’s all about da respek yeh. I didn respek that mofo now e is bin taught a arsh lesson. And dat.”

You don’t even need a good reason to go stabby — if someone bumps into you in the chip shop, asks you to stop pouring petrol through their letterbox, or disses your fine bitch, then it’s stabbin’ time! Even Boris Johnson is doing it: “Well, ah um yah I got into an argument with some chap about zoning and he was well you know getting quite heated so and I realise now I should have maybe argued rationally but I shivved him in the ah jugular and kicked his um head in.”

So, if you haven’t joined in Britain’s most exciting new way to murder, get yourself tooled up and hit the streets! Everyone’s a potential victim! Teenagers, pensioners, middle-aged family men, or people who have bit parts in films or relatives in soap operas! Remember, even girls can do it, and the press loves it! We’re just soft fleshy bags of meat, so why not take the plunge?!