Ruth Kelly goes out on a joke

“What breakfast cereal does the Chancellor of the Exchequer eat? Credit Crunch!”

Gordon Brown has a message for you

“You’re sacked.”

Was Sarah Palin responsible for her best friend’s suicide?

“For the last time, I did not encourage Susan Sarandon to drive off a cliff at the end of Thelma And Louise.”

New Batman movie round-up

With the success of The Dark Knight, movie producers have decided that every film they make next year will be Batman themed. Here’s a round-up of what you can expect:

A fat bespectacled homosexual I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! winner becomes a crime-fighting vigilante superhero in Batman Biggins; a hard-up Batman goes hunting for cheap DVDs in Batman Bargain Bins; the caped crusader develops a liking for large breasts in the bawdy comedy Batman Bigguns; Batman takes on Billy Connolly in Batman Big Yins; the famous superhero decides to tackle Gotham City’s atrocious litter problem in the trivial Batman Binbags; Bruce Wayne’s alter ego travels to Middle Earth to fight Hobbits in the franchise crossover Batman Baggins; finally, with all hope lost, the caped crusader gives up on crime fighting and gets a job in an off licence in Batman Oddbins.

Bran Night on BBC4

7.30pm A Brief History Of Bran
Dr Brian Plipspong-Flake, chief historian (bran) at the Bran Museum in Branson, Missouri, gives a whirlwind history of bran in 25 minutes.

7.55pm My Bran
Comedy actress Dimples McGee relates a humorous tale about bran.

8.00pm Brands
Penahong Clackhampton reveals the surprising history of bran in this 12 part sit-com from the makers of ‘The Brown Planet’. In this episode, 6 friends who live in New York defecate regularly, illustrating the digestive benefits of bran, with hilarious consequences.

8.30pm FILM: They Came To Go (2006)
Action-packed crime thriller from the director of Bran, Lies And Toilet Paper. Eleven constipated career criminals plan a daring heist to steal 10 million tons of bran from the world’s largest bran warehouse in Las Vegas and sell it on the brown market. Starring Bran Pitt, George Branney, Bran Damon, Bran Branflake, Catherine Zeta-Bowelmovement, Brandy Garcia, and Angelina Jolie. Score by Damon Allbran, featuring songs by Branfred Bran and Motherhood Of Bran.

10.55pm My Bran
Bishop Dresden Sexhammer explains the importance of bran in his daily life.

10.30pm Surviving Bran
Tales of bran addiction from members of Branoholics Branonymous.