What’s on in your area

* 1970s American TV star Ty Hambone and celebrated horse shouter Rita Throbcockles are among the contestants taking part in the BBC’s glittering new Saturday evening extravaganza Strictly Come Plumbing, with genial host Robert Mugabe and vapulous co-host Breasty Glugbuckets.

* It’s National Wasp Awareness Week and a free display of wasp smashing by the Women’s Institute of Mine Workers will take place at the Penge Moratorium on Sunday.

* Local artist Pree Houselemur will be displaying her urine ice sculptures in the Häagen-Dazs freezer of Skipton Blockbuster on the 4th of next month.

* Stand-up mime Skipton Blockbuster will be theatrically gesturing his unique brand of social satire and broad racism at the Kent and Mozambique Axe Grinders Conservative Club in Solihull this weekend. Expect fireworks.

* Clitheroe Horse Welders brass band and nudist restaurant will be showing off their breakdancing skills at the Eaglesfield Monstrosity in Barking next Tuesday lunchtime. Sandwiches will be provided.

* On Thursday stars of MTV’s extreme stunt show Bollockchops will be getting smashed in the face with shitty bricks live on-stage at The Jolly Obama pub in Hoxton, featuring music from up-and-coming indie gits The Flatulent Breastbones.

Things that aren’t true, no.3

Strictly ballroom is a tailor’s measurement.

It’s the movie of the week!

Tef Teflon, Beebo Clackhamster and Fishsticks O’Houlihan star in the made for television romantic weepie action comedy drama You Stole My Cancer, from the producers of Kidneys For Sale and One-Legged Blind Alcoholic Stripper Fights For Justice. Amy Cockpunch was a well-respected interior designer in Smalltown, Wyoming, when she was dramatically diagnosed with hair cancer live on air during a local radio show. While in hospital undergoing visually palatable chemotherapy, a devious and corrupt doctor stole Amy’s hair and put it up for auction on eBay. This is the story of one woman’s attempts to get back what was rightfully hers. Sadly, she failed, and Amy died of a bus-related illness before she could obtain justice. This, then, is the story of one devious and corrupt doctor’s attempts to elude justice in the form of a grizzled, cynical cop determined to find justice when he rediscovers life and finds love in the form of a bald dead woman. Also starring Nam Chesthorn, Burton Spongecake III, and Ringo Trestleton Banghammer.

Barack Obama has a dream

“…And I hope that, one day, all Americans will be ranked in order of height.”

Gordon Brown, lying bitch

No, Gordon, your by-election win isn’t a vote of confidence and it doesn’t make you popular, it just means your party’s candidate was probably less of a slimy corrupt lying hypocritical scumbag than the others. You’re still a gormless blundering toad and no-one likes you.

Modern insults, no.1

“I hope your bank manager’s Icelandic.”

Jacqui Smith, lying bitch

The only public demand in relation to ID cards is for home secretary Jacqui Smith to be pushed into a mincing machine and her stringy remains flung haphazardly into a rancid pub toilet in the vain hope that this pitiful, poorly thought-out, pisspoor excuse for national security and fighting the war on terror dies in the most embarrassing way possible for the Labour spackwits who thought it up in the first place. Utterly pathetic.