Imagine, if you will…

…in all its pompous glory, a long, rambling, dull, drunken post here about the mind-buggering awfulness of Die Hard 4.0, and that the iPhone WordPress app isn’t a bug-ridden festering baboon’s arse of shit that didn’t destroy the local draft last night when I was foolish enough to press ‘Save’. Go on, imagine it.

Christmas Day on ITV: five decades of Bond films

Quantum Of Sausage (2008)
James Bond travels to France in search of a radioactive sausage believed to contain a stolen painting of the Fallen Madonna with the big boobies, with villainous organisation S.A.U.C.E. in hot pursuit.
James Bond……………..Daniel Knickerdampener
Sienna Norks……………Heliotrope Ginrag
Limpet Legspread………..Jill Cleavage
Bertram Honktwaddle……..John Cleese
Dr Frodsham Guestbook……Ernest Clowntrouser
René Artois…………….Gordon Kaye
Director: Tamagotchi Shootibang

Wonkyeye (1997)
James Bond flies to Fiji, Australia, Norway, Poland, Las Vegas, Jamaica, Argentina and Bristol in search of a consignment of stolen space lasers, believed to be in the hands of villainous organisation S.A.U.C.E., and its cross-eyed leader Professor Lepidopterist Monksneeze.
James Bond………………………..Piss Brasstan
Lacey Openthigh……………………Lucy Swallows
Professor Lepidopterist Monksneeze…..Eddie Izzard
Eelpie Digidong……………………Derek Fruitshorts
Director: Vin de Pays

Squidtits (1986)
Fifty nuclear warheads are stolen from a submarine and James Bond must knock a slice off the villainous supermodel known only as Squidtits and her army of hairspray kung-fu nymphomaniacs in order to recover the weapons from her exploding underwater headquarters.
James Bond……………..Roger Bonksmore
Squidtits………………Effie Bendover
Juicy Flange……………Mindy Clamdangler
Dr Ninnynannynoo………..Reginald Tripswitch
Glacksmear Moosewang…….Quentin Sweatgland
Director: Tomothy Shatnorks

The Man With The Golden Shower (1978)
The world’s leading plumbers are going missing and it’s up to James Bond to locate them and put a stop powerful businessman Dickwizard Fortinbrass, whose evil plan is to convert his mountain-top lair into a luxury holiday resort with solid gold en suite bathrooms.
James Bond……………..Roger Bonksmore
Clitty Squealer…………Fannie Funbags
Flimsy Knickerdrop………Christina Kitoff
Dickwizard Fortinbrass…..Hedge Clumpfork
Flaw…………………..Brick Outhouse
Director: Hootie Branwazzock

Diamonds Are Expensive (1965)
When his local branch of H Samuel is robbed, James Bond is framed for the crime and abandoned by his Secret Service paymasters. Alone and out for revenge, Bond hunts down the man who framed him, bankrupt Blackpool Mayor J. Madface Clogshimmy, and uncovers a plot to destroy the Eiffel Tower with a laser powered by cubic zirconia.
James Bond…………….Sean Shcotshman
Labiana Nipsout…………Jizzy Bristols
J. Madface Clogshimmy…..Rod Steiger
Desperado Bumhop……….Swindon Nudger
Mr. Piecemeal………….Hamfist Neckmuscle
Mr. Gristle……………Jim Weasel
Director: Punchclock Earbender

New Batman movie round-up

With the success of The Dark Knight, movie producers have decided that every film they make next year will be Batman themed. Here’s a round-up of what you can expect:

A fat bespectacled homosexual I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! winner becomes a crime-fighting vigilante superhero in Batman Biggins; a hard-up Batman goes hunting for cheap DVDs in Batman Bargain Bins; the caped crusader develops a liking for large breasts in the bawdy comedy Batman Bigguns; Batman takes on Billy Connolly in Batman Big Yins; the famous superhero decides to tackle Gotham City’s atrocious litter problem in the trivial Batman Binbags; Bruce Wayne’s alter ego travels to Middle Earth to fight Hobbits in the franchise crossover Batman Baggins; finally, with all hope lost, the caped crusader gives up on crime fighting and gets a job in an off licence in Batman Oddbins.