I hate Britney Spears

I know she was a looney but that’s no reason for her to send me stark-staring loopy doo-dah weep-weep fucking arsecakes mental with that bastard “Womanizer” song.

The inside of my head currently looks like this:

“Womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer WOMANIZER, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer, womanizer womanizer womanizer WOMANIZER.”

and has done for several days. And what’s really annoying is that she’s spelt it wrong, the cuckoo bint.

Lyrics to ‘Womanizer’ by Britney Spears

Womanizer (Repeat 704 times).

What’s on in your area

* 1970s American TV star Ty Hambone and celebrated horse shouter Rita Throbcockles are among the contestants taking part in the BBC’s glittering new Saturday evening extravaganza Strictly Come Plumbing, with genial host Robert Mugabe and vapulous co-host Breasty Glugbuckets.

* It’s National Wasp Awareness Week and a free display of wasp smashing by the Women’s Institute of Mine Workers will take place at the Penge Moratorium on Sunday.

* Local artist Pree Houselemur will be displaying her urine ice sculptures in the Häagen-Dazs freezer of Skipton Blockbuster on the 4th of next month.

* Stand-up mime Skipton Blockbuster will be theatrically gesturing his unique brand of social satire and broad racism at the Kent and Mozambique Axe Grinders Conservative Club in Solihull this weekend. Expect fireworks.

* Clitheroe Horse Welders brass band and nudist restaurant will be showing off their breakdancing skills at the Eaglesfield Monstrosity in Barking next Tuesday lunchtime. Sandwiches will be provided.

* On Thursday stars of MTV’s extreme stunt show Bollockchops will be getting smashed in the face with shitty bricks live on-stage at The Jolly Obama pub in Hoxton, featuring music from up-and-coming indie gits The Flatulent Breastbones.

It’s give your child a stupid name day!

Congratulations, Jo Whiley, on naming your daughter after a hot drink and a bar of soap.

I like you so much better when you’re naked

I like you so much better when you’re not singing that fucking song, you blathering gonk.

Pop Facts: Britney Spears

Troubled Britney is back in the studio recording her new album ‘Cuckoo Woop Woop Boing’, but in her spare time Britney likes to create fake nude pictures of herself and post them on the internet, as she is never allowed to be naked in real life.

Pop Facts: Kanye West

Taking his name from a railway station near Bristol in England, Kanye West’s white striped sunglasses became his trademark after he was shat on by a seagull through a venetian blind in 2002. Close friends say they smell terrible.

Pop Facts: Kate Nash

Kate, 37, used to drive trains on the London Underground and developed her vocal style by talking to passengers over the tannoy and listening to Lily Allen records. Her new single, due for release next week, laments a pizza she once had.

Pop Facts: Snow Patrol

Snow Patrol are three gas fitters from Belgium, who formed the band when they were 3 years old. Their hit single, ‘Chasing Cars’ was based on lead singer François Clackerbanger’s experiences when high on bleach fumes.

Pop Facts: Leona Lewis

Leona Lewis is actually transvestite boxer Lennox Lewis’s musical alter ego, and he admits his smash song ‘Bleeding Love’ is about knocking out Fergie in the eighth in 2002.