Bloody rocket scientist hooligan bastards

NASA smashes a rocket into the Moon and it’s a groundbreaking scientific experiment, but when I asked them if I could crash a Mini Metro into Mars they were all “Oh no, that would be a serious waste of our time”. If they turn around in six months and say they’re going to fly a bus into Jupiter I’m going to be fucking furious.

However, I won’t mind if they fly a submarine into Uranus. Snigger.

Slip-up at space shuttle crew news conference

“I’d like to tell you more about the mission but, apart from baldy, we’re all pretty hungover right now.”

Scientology works!

It’s true: Xenu’s crazy magic alien powers wise thoughtful teachings have enabled Tom Cruise to leave behind his earthly body and become a floating disembodied head. In your face, common sense!

Space shuttle attacked by TIE Fighter

Han Solo unable to make last minute rescue due to incarceration in Space Guantanamo.

First space sex tourist blasts off

Anousheh Ansari demonstrates her gang-bang blowjob technique as one of the winners of the Ansari XXX Prize looks on.

Russians plan sex experiment in space

“These boys have won the Ansari XXX prize!”

The solar system just got smaller

Pluto, the plucky little ball of crap that held onto its planetary status for 76 years, is no longer a planet because it’s too small, according to the International Astronomical Union. Also, Jupiter has been split into two planets because it’s too big.

Bush talks to crew of Discovery

“Boyhowdy, I really love those shark documentaries you show.”

Shuttle astronauts explain why they do it

“Because it’s a damn sight safer than going to Iraq!”