Paris Hilton visits her gynaecologist: exclusive picture!

“Careful now, this substance is highly toxic.”

Pop Facts: Leona Lewis

Leona Lewis is actually transvestite boxer Lennox Lewis’s musical alter ego, and he admits his smash song ‘Bleeding Love’ is about knocking out Fergie in the eighth in 2002.

Pop Facts: Amy Winehouse

Ironically, Amy Winehouse is allergic to both wine and houses, meaning she has to drink cider and live on a park bench. And stay up until 3 o’clock in the morning twatting people.

Good Friday film review

Listening to rather than watching Freaky Friday, starring sagging sex pensioner Jamie Lee Curtis and perky spunkmuppet Lindsay Lohan, is a strange experience. Were you forced at gunpoint to recreate the essence of the film, it would go thus:

“I hate you!”
MAGIC WHOOSH
“Eeeeeeeeee!”
“Eeeeeeeeee!”
“Rules!”
“Sucks!”
“I understand your situation!”
“I understand your situation!”
MAGIC WHOOSH
THE END

For those who have taped it, I’ve saved you the bother. Sorry if there are any spoilers.

George Clooney is so rich and famous…

…That he has solid gold robot bodyguards.

Christmas Day TV highlights

BBC1

3pm Celebrity Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom On Ice
Someone from Coronation Street and half the cast of Holby City perform the entire plot of the classic Harrison Ford film to a backdrop of stinging criticism from three wise twats.

BBC2

5pm Time Paradox Night
Sir Jimmy Saville takes a look back at 25 years of 2007 in ‘The Now Then Now Then Show’ before disappearing up his own foetus. Featuring the talking heads of Vic Reeves, Dame Anna Glockenspiel, Vin Diesel, William Shakespeare, and Bendy The Chinese Space Squirrel.

2pm The Sky At Night
Sir Patrick Moore is torn apart molecule by molecule as the universe slowly unravels in his chest.

5pm Time Paradox Night
Sandy Tits takes a look back at 25 years of 2013 in ‘That Was The Year That Hasn’t Been Yet’.

ITV1

3pm FILM: Don’t Do Dying (1974)
Demis Roussos’s only outing as James Bond sees the deadly spy on the trail of Ramit Uppem, a supervillain hellbent on destroying the world by firing the South Pole into space. Flipsy Giggletits stars as Bond girl Rusty Minge.
James Bond……………….Demis Roussos
Ramit Uppem………………Robin Askwith
Rusty Minge………………Flipsy Giggletits
Fanny Magnet……………..Jill Cleavage
Alexei Cocknballs…………Orson Welles
Director: Ted Macho

Channel 4

4pm A Forced And Poorly Thought-Out Alternative Christmas Nativity
A camp disco Jesus and a lesbian atheist Virgin Mary star in a Big Brother style reality show set on a council estate in Hull. Three drunk wise men follow a light on the 27th floor of a local tower block carrying gifts for the son of a local gangster, known only as God. If the gifts aren’t good enough they face eviction from the show and a possible kneecapping. Featuring Johnny Vegas as the voice of God.

Five

3pm Off With A Bang
Wallace and Gromit return in a new adventure, written by Nick Park and directed by Paul Greengrass. Wallace and his long-suffering dog are caught up in a terrorist attack while testing a remote control duck on a day trip to London, with hilarious and devastating results.

Tom Cruise: not the Tooth Fairy

“Hi I’m actor Tom Cruise and I’m here to say woo! and yeah! and to grin my trademark grin and generally be enthusiastic about everything including my lovely wife Katie Wife who proves I’m not gay because I’m not gay and I’ll fuck any man who says otherwise woo yeah!

I’m here promoting my new film High Concept Sci-Fi Comedy Romance Thriller Number 7,348 co-starring the gorgeous Nicole Kidman who I think I’ve worked with before — all I know is I’d certainly fuck her because she’s a woman and I’m not gay yeah! The movie is directed by Spielberg with a script by the guy who won an Oscar for Worthy Three Hour Long Allegory Movie Number 709, so you know it’s going to be good — plus I did all my own stunts in the movie except for the dangerous ones woo!

What’s the movie about? Woo yeah! I was hoping you’d ask me that — it’s about an everyday normal type of guy — totally straight — played by me who happens to live in a future where teeth are a sought-after commodity. Anyway the villain played brilliantly by some British guy discovers that I have more than 300 teeth and tries to kill me but I brilliantly escape and go on the run yeah! Amazingly I used all my own teeth in the film even though Steven wanted to use stunt teeth. What else do you want to know? Ask me anything but don’t you dare say anything about my height or scary Scientology Jesus will come and get you woo yeah!“

Channel 5′s Thursday night line-up

30 Rock — The first episode of 30 Rock raises a lot of questions, chiefly ‘why the fuck is it called 30 Rock?’, and ‘why is it so unbelievably shit?’. Unbelievably shit.

Californication — All Californication needs is Robin Askwith as David Duchovny’s window cleaning chum and you’d have a 1970s sex farce with 21st century knockers. Knockers.

George Bush Sr. meets Bono

“Say, you’re that guy who’s such an asshole it makes my son look like less of an asshole. Good work.”

Brad Pitt speaks of hope for the future at Clinton Initiative

“…And with any luck by 9pm I’ll be wearing her like a glove puppet.”