An appeal from the Football Association

Here at the F.A. we temporarily re-home dozens of stray footballers every year; but some aren’t so lucky. Middlesborough winger Doozy Wacknacks was cruelly abandoned in a lay-by on the A172. Birmingham midfielder Taz Paps was left in a wheelie bin. And Southampton full back Twinky Bechamel was sacked, just because he punched a woman in a nightclub.

These feckless Neanderthals are unable to feed or dress themselves without sponsors, and that’s why we need your help. For just £250,000 a week, you could help keep a thick, arrogant, gormless bimbo-thrumping whingebag from being put to sleep or advertising breakfast cereal. Simply text BOZO to 873411 and we’ll send you an information pack. Thank you.

I CAN HAS SACK?

England’s World Cup heroes slay the giant

England was celebrating last night following their decisive World Cup victory over the legendary purveyors of liquid football, the Federated States of Micronesia. Widely perceived as the most dangerous team England will face until their next game, Micronesia tried every trick in their book of footballing prowess to penetrate the England defence, but our plucky lads were having none of it, in return landing shot after unstoppable on-target shot to drive them to their devastating 1-0 win.

“We’re sending a message to every country in the world,” said coach Sven-Goran Eriksson following the final whistle, a whistle that must have sounded like a death knell for the practiced professionals of Micronesia, “And that message is, we’re above average, and we probably can’t be stopped.”

Micronesia’s team captain, a full-time spot welder from Yap, had no choice but to bow to England’s superiority. “Wayne Rooney’s salary is equal to the gross national output of my country,” he said at a press conference after the match. “We stood no chance.”

World Cup exclusive, courtesy of every news outlet in England

Hero of England’s World Cup squad and potato-faced saviour of the world Wayne Rooney is flying back to good old Blighty today to have his precious metatarsal X-rayed again, in the hope that he will be able to help our plucky but otherwise useless lads lift the trophy after 40 years of pain and stick it to the hun on their home soil. “Eng-erland! Eng-erland! Eng-erland! One world cup and two world wars!” said Rooney’s doctor at a press conference this morning.

Slag shagging England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson says that Rooney’s miraculous recovery from a devastating toe stub has stunned doctors, who have all agreed that he is the new messiah. “He is 300% confident he will play,” Eriksson exclusively told the Sun/Mirror/Star/Times/Telegraph, “but if for some reason he is on the bench for the Paraguay game, we will get him to turn some loaves into oranges and water into Lucozade.”

Doctors were initially shocked to find the face of Jesus on Rooney’s metatarsal, but it was later found to be some jam from a sandwich.