Christmas Day TV highlights

BBC1

3pm Celebrity Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom On Ice
Someone from Coronation Street and half the cast of Holby City perform the entire plot of the classic Harrison Ford film to a backdrop of stinging criticism from three wise twats.

BBC2

5pm Time Paradox Night
Sir Jimmy Saville takes a look back at 25 years of 2007 in ‘The Now Then Now Then Show’ before disappearing up his own foetus. Featuring the talking heads of Vic Reeves, Dame Anna Glockenspiel, Vin Diesel, William Shakespeare, and Bendy The Chinese Space Squirrel.

2pm The Sky At Night
Sir Patrick Moore is torn apart molecule by molecule as the universe slowly unravels in his chest.

5pm Time Paradox Night
Sandy Tits takes a look back at 25 years of 2013 in ‘That Was The Year That Hasn’t Been Yet’.

ITV1

3pm FILM: Don’t Do Dying (1974)
Demis Roussos’s only outing as James Bond sees the deadly spy on the trail of Ramit Uppem, a supervillain hellbent on destroying the world by firing the South Pole into space. Flipsy Giggletits stars as Bond girl Rusty Minge.
James Bond……………….Demis Roussos
Ramit Uppem………………Robin Askwith
Rusty Minge………………Flipsy Giggletits
Fanny Magnet……………..Jill Cleavage
Alexei Cocknballs…………Orson Welles
Director: Ted Macho

Channel 4

4pm A Forced And Poorly Thought-Out Alternative Christmas Nativity
A camp disco Jesus and a lesbian atheist Virgin Mary star in a Big Brother style reality show set on a council estate in Hull. Three drunk wise men follow a light on the 27th floor of a local tower block carrying gifts for the son of a local gangster, known only as God. If the gifts aren’t good enough they face eviction from the show and a possible kneecapping. Featuring Johnny Vegas as the voice of God.

Five

3pm Off With A Bang
Wallace and Gromit return in a new adventure, written by Nick Park and directed by Paul Greengrass. Wallace and his long-suffering dog are caught up in a terrorist attack while testing a remote control duck on a day trip to London, with hilarious and devastating results.

Saturday evening TV on BBC1 and ITV1 again

BBC1

7.50pm Bounce Rabble Bounce!
Misguided members of the public bounce up and down on a huge trampoline as ping pong balls are fired at them by minor celebrities, and answer questions posed by bewildered ash-coloured cackling robohost Renegade Deerhunter for a chance to win £500,000 worth of milk bottle tops.

8.30pm The National Lottery Desperate Marketing Ploy
Declan Smear presents this oddly-themed quiz of startling complexity. Three hundred contestants standing in an empty swimming pool in Cheadle Hulme leisure centre must work together to solve a 10,000 piece jigsaw in less than 9 minutes. The contestant with the highest ratio of successfully placed edge to centre pieces will then be flown by helicopter to Rhyl where they will have 6 minutes to build a pyramid out of salt while being taunted by ex-boxer Barry McGuigan for a chance to win a clam wetting holiday in Berlin.

9.15pm Jonathan Ross’s Fawning Promotion Hour
Popular pop singer Grunty from The Dregs, popular movie star Wendel Dram, and unaccountably popular badger baiter “Big” Mick McZiggy have their egos fingered by partially outrageous weasely ballbag Jonathan Ross as they blurt out trivial stories of fame and hawk their fatuous career turds to an audience of shrieking dimwits.

ITV

8.00pm Who Wants To Be A Jabbering Fucktard?
Chris Bonk hosts another episode of the seemingly never-ending quiz show in which a ceaseless parade of burbling dickwits flaunt their ignorance for a slim chance of winning more than 500 quid and a condescending chuckle from the host.

9.00pm Golden Wondering
Overwraught drama featuring scenes of hand-wringing and dramatic sobbing which some viewers may find unbelievably fucking irritating. Mermolene Dangles (Caroline Quentin), a middle class single mother of three, has her life torn apart when she finds a crisp packet on her front lawn. Then David (Rinty Bangmouth) from the council’s high-tech garden litter reclamation team enters her garden and her life — but is the man from the council everything he seems, or underneath his unfeasibly smooth exterior is he an unfeasibly manic child buggering serial killer? Yes.

11.00pm Brash News and Weather
With Jeremy Serious and Mimsy Fluffer.

11.01pm Golden Wondering continues
Mermolene has learnt David’s terrible secret and, as he chases her and her family around their muted semi-detached house, she can’t help but wonder if he had something to do with the crisp packet in her garden and her dead mother in the shed (concludes 35 minutes after you stopped giving a shit).