He didn’t really say this

“Hello, my name is Henry Kissinger, and I like to fuck.”

The new Time Out guide to who’s in

The Caveman Bitches — undisputed purveyors of ‘pork rock’, The Caveman Bitches are a 3 piece all-girl outfit hailing from Granddad, Ohio whose first album “Go Monkey” is cantering up the charts like a six-legged beagle. The band is gaining a reputation for its wild and chaotic gigs, often involving singing and the playing of music. See them at The Hormel Foods Stadium, Londinium, this coming Thursday. Not to be missed.

Teremy Sniller — U.S. talk show hosts could learn a thing or two from U.K. based Sniller, whose no-nonsense straight-talking bombastic abusive style is alarming and upsetting guests daily on cable channel The Blong. The show’s opening credits, which show Sniller tearing up a copy of the Geneva Convention, are also drawing criticism from family groups for showing the host slapping a child and a hamster, but there’s no doubt his violent style of arbitration is traumatically effective. Catch Sniller weekdays at 2pm on The Blong, Sky Channel 44.

Shizzy Fringles — the best stand-up comedian to emerge from weekly U.S. topical comedy show ‘Laugh Now’, New Yorker Fringles takes everyday situations and turns them on their head, talking about them at great length often without any jokes or a punchline. This daring approach to comedy, nicknamed ‘talkedy’ by The Chicago Tribune, can produce bemuzzlement in audiences but, with Fringles’s shows lasting more than 3 hours, there’s no doubting he’s value for money. ‘Shizzy Fringles Yaks’ finishes its 5 night run at The British Heart Foundation Arena this Friday. Tickets are available from ticketslinger.com.

Jandra — most famous for having her shoulder blades surgically shaved in order to become thinner and more streamlined, up-and-coming supermodel and motorcycle racer Jandra (full name Jandra Sfund Clam) is currently only 6 points away from becoming the new face of Givenchy. See a hypothermic Clam on the catwalk at Grimsby Fashion Week from the 7th to the 19th, modelling Maxpie Glind’s stunning new ice dress collection on a Ducatti 500.

A vote for Labour is a vote for smiles, kittens, and pretty flowers

Also for lechery, incompetence, corruption and lying; but never mind because old Tony; his gormless, gullible, money-grabbing bint of a wife, and the Labour Party are making Britain better. Largely by paving over it, selling it off, sending it to war, ignoring it, forgetting about it, or fucking it.