The cast of Sex And The City, ranked by attractiveness!

Wouldn’t, wouldn’t, wouldn’t, wouldn’t.

At the cinema

Beowulf — Robert Zemeckis employs expensive motion capture and computer animation techniques to tell the story of a dyslexic wolf with body odour. Featuring the smell of Angelina Jolie. Two thumbs up your arse.

Lions for Lambs — Animated children’s adventure from Disney, telling the story of the 1972 Moscow Zoo hostage crisis. Featuring Bruce Willis as the voice of Vladimir The Death Panda. One thumb up and one in a dyke.

Good Luck Chuck — Vince Vaughn stars in this raucous true story of Chuck Yeager’s attempt to break the sound barrier in 1947, and his love of beer and naked pool parties. When Chuck’s lucky rabbit’s foot is stolen by poachers, he loses his self-confidence and must go on a crazy quest to retrieve the charm, or evil test pilot Randy Douchebag will break the sound barrier before him. One fist up.

Split beaver

This weekend, thousands of middle-aged men will be dragging themselves out to the cinema to watch Basic Instinct 2: Pensioner Addiction in the hope of seeing Sharon Stone’s snatch. Frankly, the marketing wonks have missed an opportunity here, and could have shaved her battered twat and tattooed a Pizza Hut logo on it, creating valuable revenue for a film that’s really only good for testing the freeze frame facility on the family DVD player.

The plot is simple: instead of Stone’s character driving her Lamborghini very quickly around the streets of L.A., she has now moved to London and drives it very slowly up bus lanes and irritates taxi drivers, stopping only to murder people who take 9 items through the 8 items or less till at the supermarket. After one altercation too many, David Morrissey is assigned as her social worker and, when Sharon discovers what a nice young man he is, that’s when the hip-dislocating sexual shenanigans begin.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like a very good film. But if you can quote the message tattooed on Sharon Stone’s frontispiece, you’ll get 10% off a mighty meaty.