Paris Hilton visits her gynaecologist: exclusive picture!

“Careful now, this substance is highly toxic.”

Give the gift of celebrity perfume this Xmas

50 Cent’s Fiddy Scent — smell like a moderately talented racial stereotype with 50 Cent’s Eau de gangsta, a delicate fragrance from the streets that comes in a bottle shaped like a manhole.

Peter Shilton’s Sincerity — now you can smell like the legendary Nottingham Forest and England goalkeeper’s perm after the letter to Paris Hilton was misdirected in the post. Comes in a rancid stilton shaped bottle.

Katie Melua’s Meh — capture the essence of cute-as-a-button pop globule Katie Melua and smell like a wet dog in a coma with this carefully crafted scent that comes in a bottle shaped like a bottle.

Inside the mind of Paris Hilton

“…That’s hot, fingerbanging, hot, fashion, money, money, dump boyfriend, that’s hot, get boyfriend, dump boyfriend, photographs photographs photographs, fashion, small dog, that’s hot, am I wearing panties, doesn’t matter, interview, TV show, interview, pause for photographs, I wish my life wasn’t a howling demonstorm of soul-destroying emptiness that threatens to eat away the very core of my being until there’s nothing but a black void of vacuity, oo freebies, oh great another iPod, oh wow that’s hot, cock, I’m rich, where’s my hairdresser, where’s the limo, sex video, getting wasted, that’s hot, trailer trash, ankle bracelet, daddy…”