Listening to rather than watching Freaky Friday, starring sagging sex pensioner Jamie Lee Curtis and perky spunkmuppet Lindsay Lohan, is a strange experience. Were you forced at gunpoint to recreate the essence of the film, it would go thus:
“I hate you!”
MAGIC WHOOSH
“Eeeeeeeeee!”
“Eeeeeeeeee!”
“Rules!”
“Sucks!”
“I understand your situation!”
“I understand your situation!”
MAGIC WHOOSH
THE END
For those who have taped it, I’ve saved you the bother. Sorry if there are any spoilers.
BBC1
3pm Celebrity Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom On Ice
Someone from Coronation Street and half the cast of Holby City perform the entire plot of the classic Harrison Ford film to a backdrop of stinging criticism from three wise twats.
BBC2
5pm Time Paradox Night
Sir Jimmy Saville takes a look back at 25 years of 2007 in ‘The Now Then Now Then Show’ before disappearing up his own foetus. Featuring the talking heads of Vic Reeves, Dame Anna Glockenspiel, Vin Diesel, William Shakespeare, and Bendy The Chinese Space Squirrel.
2pm The Sky At Night
Sir Patrick Moore is torn apart molecule by molecule as the universe slowly unravels in his chest.
5pm Time Paradox Night
Sandy Tits takes a look back at 25 years of 2013 in ‘That Was The Year That Hasn’t Been Yet’.
ITV1
3pm FILM: Don’t Do Dying (1974)
Demis Roussos’s only outing as James Bond sees the deadly spy on the trail of Ramit Uppem, a supervillain hellbent on destroying the world by firing the South Pole into space. Flipsy Giggletits stars as Bond girl Rusty Minge.
James Bond……………….Demis Roussos
Ramit Uppem………………Robin Askwith
Rusty Minge………………Flipsy Giggletits
Fanny Magnet……………..Jill Cleavage
Alexei Cocknballs…………Orson Welles
Director: Ted Macho
Channel 4
4pm A Forced And Poorly Thought-Out Alternative Christmas Nativity
A camp disco Jesus and a lesbian atheist Virgin Mary star in a Big Brother style reality show set on a council estate in Hull. Three drunk wise men follow a light on the 27th floor of a local tower block carrying gifts for the son of a local gangster, known only as God. If the gifts aren’t good enough they face eviction from the show and a possible kneecapping. Featuring Johnny Vegas as the voice of God.
Five
3pm Off With A Bang
Wallace and Gromit return in a new adventure, written by Nick Park and directed by Paul Greengrass. Wallace and his long-suffering dog are caught up in a terrorist attack while testing a remote control duck on a day trip to London, with hilarious and devastating results.
8.00pm FILM: We Came To Die
Light-hearted comedy from South Korea. Haneul and Areum are two girls living an unimaginably bleak life as government toenail clippers who decide to break free of the shackles of employment and ride a tandem over the Sobaek mountain range. Along the way they meet a range of quirky and murderous characters and are drugged, raped and beaten to death by pirate nuns just inches from completing their life-affirming goal.
Director: Kim Gu (Happy Flower Of Death). Subtitled.
11.00pm The History Of History
Noted historical historian Dr Harold Cunnilingus delves into the history of history in this historical examination of history. In this episode, Dr Cunnilingus asks the question, “Is history really written by the victors?” and finds that the victors were often too busy victoring to history, and the losers too depressed, and so butterflies took it upon themselves to dictate large chunks of human endeavour into a giant tape recorder that top history historians now believe is buried in the very heart of Mount Everest.
Director: Napoleon Bonaparte.
30 Rock — The first episode of 30 Rock raises a lot of questions, chiefly ‘why the fuck is it called 30 Rock?’, and ‘why is it so unbelievably shit?’. Unbelievably shit.
Californication — All Californication needs is Robin Askwith as David Duchovny’s window cleaning chum and you’d have a 1970s sex farce with 21st century knockers. Knockers.
The Caveman Bitches — undisputed purveyors of ‘pork rock’, The Caveman Bitches are a 3 piece all-girl outfit hailing from Granddad, Ohio whose first album “Go Monkey” is cantering up the charts like a six-legged beagle. The band is gaining a reputation for its wild and chaotic gigs, often involving singing and the playing of music. See them at The Hormel Foods Stadium, Londinium, this coming Thursday. Not to be missed.
Teremy Sniller — U.S. talk show hosts could learn a thing or two from U.K. based Sniller, whose no-nonsense straight-talking bombastic abusive style is alarming and upsetting guests daily on cable channel The Blong. The show’s opening credits, which show Sniller tearing up a copy of the Geneva Convention, are also drawing criticism from family groups for showing the host slapping a child and a hamster, but there’s no doubt his violent style of arbitration is traumatically effective. Catch Sniller weekdays at 2pm on The Blong, Sky Channel 44.
Shizzy Fringles — the best stand-up comedian to emerge from weekly U.S. topical comedy show ‘Laugh Now’, New Yorker Fringles takes everyday situations and turns them on their head, talking about them at great length often without any jokes or a punchline. This daring approach to comedy, nicknamed ‘talkedy’ by The Chicago Tribune, can produce bemuzzlement in audiences but, with Fringles’s shows lasting more than 3 hours, there’s no doubting he’s value for money. ‘Shizzy Fringles Yaks’ finishes its 5 night run at The British Heart Foundation Arena this Friday. Tickets are available from ticketslinger.com.
Jandra — most famous for having her shoulder blades surgically shaved in order to become thinner and more streamlined, up-and-coming supermodel and motorcycle racer Jandra (full name Jandra Sfund Clam) is currently only 6 points away from becoming the new face of Givenchy. See a hypothermic Clam on the catwalk at Grimsby Fashion Week from the 7th to the 19th, modelling Maxpie Glind’s stunning new ice dress collection on a Ducatti 500.
Somewhere between Sunday night and Monday morning my Virgin Media broadband, cable television and phone service died.
On Monday evening the first Virgin Media phonecock I spoke to told me there were no engineers in my area until Friday, and forgot to book the appointment anyway; then on Tuesday morning an engineer turned up while I was out and fixed the phone service. On Tuesday evening another Virgin Media phonespaz told me categorically that there were no engineers available until the following Monday evening, 8 days after the fault occurred.
Today (Wednesday — 5 days early) an engineer turned up to say he’d had a rummage around in the junction box down the street and fixed the TV and broadband. Left hand, meet right hand. No? Okay then.
And, because Virgin Media likes to give the gift of raging incompetence, the set-top box has come back to life with most of its channels missing because of another fault in the area.
In summary, then: commtards.
BBC1
7.50pm Bounce Rabble Bounce!
Misguided members of the public bounce up and down on a huge trampoline as ping pong balls are fired at them by minor celebrities, and answer questions posed by bewildered ash-coloured cackling robohost Renegade Deerhunter for a chance to win £500,000 worth of milk bottle tops.
8.30pm The National Lottery Desperate Marketing Ploy
Declan Smear presents this oddly-themed quiz of startling complexity. Three hundred contestants standing in an empty swimming pool in Cheadle Hulme leisure centre must work together to solve a 10,000 piece jigsaw in less than 9 minutes. The contestant with the highest ratio of successfully placed edge to centre pieces will then be flown by helicopter to Rhyl where they will have 6 minutes to build a pyramid out of salt while being taunted by ex-boxer Barry McGuigan for a chance to win a clam wetting holiday in Berlin.
9.15pm Jonathan Ross’s Fawning Promotion Hour
Popular pop singer Grunty from The Dregs, popular movie star Wendel Dram, and unaccountably popular badger baiter “Big” Mick McZiggy have their egos fingered by partially outrageous weasely ballbag Jonathan Ross as they blurt out trivial stories of fame and hawk their fatuous career turds to an audience of shrieking dimwits.
ITV
8.00pm Who Wants To Be A Jabbering Fucktard?
Chris Bonk hosts another episode of the seemingly never-ending quiz show in which a ceaseless parade of burbling dickwits flaunt their ignorance for a slim chance of winning more than 500 quid and a condescending chuckle from the host.
9.00pm Golden Wondering
Overwraught drama featuring scenes of hand-wringing and dramatic sobbing which some viewers may find unbelievably fucking irritating. Mermolene Dangles (Caroline Quentin), a middle class single mother of three, has her life torn apart when she finds a crisp packet on her front lawn. Then David (Rinty Bangmouth) from the council’s high-tech garden litter reclamation team enters her garden and her life — but is the man from the council everything he seems, or underneath his unfeasibly smooth exterior is he an unfeasibly manic child buggering serial killer? Yes.
11.00pm Brash News and Weather
With Jeremy Serious and Mimsy Fluffer.
11.01pm Golden Wondering continues
Mermolene has learnt David’s terrible secret and, as he chases her and her family around their muted semi-detached house, she can’t help but wonder if he had something to do with the crisp packet in her garden and her dead mother in the shed (concludes 35 minutes after you stopped giving a shit).
