The Battle of the Five Ednas

“Oo Edna isn’t it great that torture’s okay now I mean I reckon Ted the butcher in the high street has had his thumb on the scales for years but could I prove anything could I fudge so yesterday I thought I’ve had enough so I rammed his you-know-what through the bacon slicer and he sang like a canary the little bastard oo I said to my Bert this morning I said if you don’t let me have the last of the milk I’ll stick that hosepipe where the sun doesn’t shine and give you a Ready Brek glow you won’t forget in a hurry and he folded like a wet envelope now if you’ll excuse me Edna I’m just off to waterboard the water board ta-ra.”

Those celebrity I’m a Celebrity… celebrities in full

It’s that time of the year again – the nights are drawing in, pensioners are dying of hypothermia and the heat death of the universe grows ever nearer, and top light entertainment miniatures Anton Dec and Declarative Antonym welcome the usual cavalcade of hollow trudging no-hopers to a short life of khaki and swallowing things:

Lee Pifflesquits
Former singer with semi-popular boy band Smooth Pipes, Lee left the band in 1998 following a News of the World story that linked him to an international grapefruit smuggling ring.

Dr Exogesic Slitquack
The controversial Austrian genealogist who claimed in his book You Are Not Who You Are to have evidence that Geri Halliwell was Adolf Hitler’s mother arrives in the jungle freshly disgraced by facts.

Busty Thunderjugs
Most famous for rendering conservative backbench MP Salamander Gracklespoon unconscious with the very notion of breasts, Busty has recently launched her own fragrance for which she blamed the dog.

Alf Larp
Coronation Street actor and serial cocaine and webcam abuser Alf has recently returned to work after the case against him collapsed, breaking his leg in three places.

Empathy LaGrange
Star of 2008’s surprise hit film The Vanishing Clavicle, Empathy has spent the last six years in Africa as U.N. Special Ambassador for clavicles, helping to raise clavicle awareness.

Shaz Parp
Fresh from highly successful scripted reality show Godalming Nights, Shaz hopes doing something fruity with a guava while in the jungle will make her the draught excluder of good fortune when opportunity knocks on the top half of the stable door of missed chances.

TV weather chef Martin Bogle once cooked a sausage in a blizzard for the Queen and delights in bringing his surprising take on mid-17th century Peruvian cookery to the masses with his daily daytime cookery quiz show Gastrointerrogation!

If you haven’t seen the John Lewis Christmas advert…

Cher Lloyd sings an orchestral version of ‘Kinky Boots’ as we open on the faltering gait of a glum animated whelk with a limp who struggles to find work and feed his weeping family. On the verge of suicide, the whelk unexpectedly rediscovers the joy of Christmas when he is given an underwater mobility scooter by his best friend, a dignified octopus. The music swells and a tear forms in the whelk’s eye as the John Lewis logo fades in with the strapline “Cheer up you miserable bastards”. 7/10.

Drowning by wankers

BBC News: “The UK has said it will not support future search and rescue operations to prevent migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.”

International Business Times: “Britain will not support future EU search and rescue operations to help save migrants from drowning in the Mediterranean Sea as doing so only “encourages” others to seek refuge by crossing dangerous seas.”

The Age: “Baroness Anelay said the UK would not support a new program of search and rescue missions in the Mediterranean, saying they encouraged refugees to risk taking to sea.”

The Guardian: “The Home Office has defended its decision to end British support for search-and-rescue operations for migrants in danger of drowning in the Mediterranean, after criticism that it marked an ethical nadir for Britain.”

Now I’m not racist, but it seems to me that deliberately withdrawing support for an operation the sole purpose of which is to stop desperate, living, breathing human beings from drowning, abandoned, in a vast body of water because you think rescuing them from death encourages them to leave behind their homes, family, friends and possessions, and because you think killing people bureaucratically is somehow more acceptable than personally holding them underwater until they stop struggling, and being able somehow to find the will to defend that decision, is a little bit racist, and more or less exposes you as the sort of government that should be drowned wholesale in a bottomless barrel of cold salty piss by a group comprised of displaced individuals who have no idea of the hardships involved in signing a piece of paper that condemns hundreds of forlorn elected representatives to a watery grave.